visions and reflections on the past.

so i saw a YouTube video today that finally fits all the visions i had for the last 8 years. and now that i look at it from this new perspective i know it is inevitable as to why i fear the 4th number in my life. 4 is always the hardest thing i had to face in my life and 4 is also the hardest thing that i could not live without.

i never in my life, wanted to fall in love with a girl who never loved me back. i never wanted to be with a girl who even if things got rough would turn away and run into the arms off another man just because i loved her.

Today God gave me a realization that i am not here to fall in love but to warn others that the time is closer than you might think, to the inevitable. that the ones you love are not going to be there for you forever. and those who love you. only do it because they have something to gain from you. and once that love is gone so are they.

people who you love will turn on you and cause your life force to be sniffed out sooner than you think. the theory of looking out for your fellow man is going to change to how much more can you get if you betray them just because they made you choose between them and someone you cared about and someone who you value more.

i am not going to worry about this life any more. i am going to prepare for my death because i know that those who love me will turn on me and betray me at the last moment that they lose their comfort in our relationship.

i knew how Nevada felt when i first stuffed that first letter in her locker. someone who was not as popular as you has a crush on you and that person also smells bad and has poor hygiene.

you would feel "ewe gross"

you would keep your distance from this person.

you would never talk about this person and you would never even think of writing him back.

but once you found out that this person has a mental illness that would explain why he does the things or chooses not to do these things you would reject this person further. until he just gives up on you and finds another to focus on once he found out you where married to another man.

you see, i know where i went wrong. but it is not my fault. it never was.  it was yours Nevada. you failed the test that God did to you through me.

and then there is CJ.  my experiment.  to see if she would fail the exact same test that God preformed on Nevada through me.

a relationship that was doomed to fail from day one. but i know that it would of been the hardest one to let go of once i knew and figured out. but that test failed because i was focused on more than one woman at that time.

another popular girl with a lot of friends. and i noticed that she thinks differently of me once i used the same exact method i used on Nevada. but instead of being kind and complementary i was truthful and harsh.

because i just busted her bubble that shielded her from the rest of the world. i know even though she does not give me credit, she would not be married if it was not for the letters i sent her. because she got married just to get me off her back. because of the burden i placed on her heart.

and then there is Amanda. the one woman who i did nothing but write her. as an escape from reality. someone who had flaws. but i loved more that i would let my self believe. but like every other woman  in my life she too was worried what others would think about me then about her.

once she heard my voice the relationship turned sour and her bubble that she was trapped in burst and i fell out of her life.

if i ever fall in love again i want it to be someone who... well i never want to fall in love again. period.

i thought i was finaly in the clear.

The patience that i thought i had to endure before i was able to become free from the pain that is no more than just the precursor to bigger things. 

Sure CJ is married and i am still having illusions of her. but i know that that is just what it is, illusions.

so the other day someone from Amanda's neck of the woods came and visited my blog. but she only visited the blog that is searchable on Google. and never visited this blog.  to bad i guess. since i was able and knowing of how i could of given her all my attention. but i know she does not want my attention or she would of fought harder than she did. but i would of tried harder to keep her in my life. but the best i could do was forgive her for "Dumping" me before. i could do the same for neglect but like Tina once told me before she gave me a hug, "the baby that is never touched, dies."

Great.

Not only did Amanda not notice that i have not been talking about the girl i used to talk about in over 4 months but she did not even notice that i deleted her off my skype and messenger and contact list because of the neglect that i feel from her. it is like as soon as i was able to change focus off of that other female on to her i realize that if i focus on a particular Girl. that girl either resents me or flat out ignores me. the only thing i know how to do is ignore back. i do that well. and i will start to do that if that is what she wants from me.