How Does she see me after all these years?

i got a letter from Facebook asking if i know a whole bunch of people. and at the top of that list was "Nevada Bryn McKenzie."

i do know of her. i do know that whenever i stumble across her blog she abandons it. i do know that someone from where she moved to periodically looks back at the old domain that i claimed after she abandoned it. i do know that her current blog she also abandoned.

i have a feeling that because of the way i acted in high school just before i became stable (after i was medicated, to which she has never seen). my medicated side she has not seen and she still sees me the way i was before i flipped out.

because it was the last year at high school. and she graduated 2 years before i was able to. because of my illness.

i wish i could have a do over with her. but like i said on her domain.  "new year new chances new people. must put old news in old recycle bin and empty it before it gets old."

i have never felt more distant from someone that i have her.

even though i do not want to i tend to alienate those females i care about the most. mainly because i am alienated  by them once they see my illness.  mainly because they don't know how to treat me and they are afraid they will "set me off"

that is the exact reason i cannot fall in love again.

what they have to realize is, i don't have a trigger to my illness (other than stress). as it is a gradual illness.  seeing it develops over time. and i can control it. until i let go of my struggle. and let it take over. that is what i did in the last year of high school. i let go.

that is why i flipped out in that last year of high school. i could not fight it any more. fortunately i was diagnosed and treated and [partially] cured.

i still have the illness and i still fight it. but the fight is easier then it was when i just let go.

unfortunately women seem to trigger the fight and i do still try to fight it. but love makes it harder. because i am thinking of something that does not make sense. and something that makes things harder for me to control. if i can wrap my head around it and it makes logical sense i do in fact master it and i stop thinking about it.

but love i have not mastered and i will never be able to wrap my head around it.

Future dream?

so i had a dream of the future yesterday. my future. i know it was just a dream, but it made all the other dreams i had make sence. i am not going into the details other than saskatoon and martensville where joined. and on gps if you want to goto down town saskatoon it was north of martensville. this did not make sence while i was dreaming it. unless you look at another dream i had 7 years ago. where a nuclear bomb went off south west of saskatoon.

but like i said. it was just a dream. but it put all the other dreams in perspective. like why i was living in martensville in the last 3 dreams i remember. even though i once lived in martensville as a kid. but live in saskatoon today. and on that same gps i punched in my current address an got a location does not exist error. that is what scared me.

but it was just a dream a vivid and non lucid dream.