seeking to know what others don't is not a flaw in my character. it is a weakness i posess. knowledge is somthing i use to kill a fear i have.
i fear the unknown.
if i fill that unknown with information i know now it comes across like i am a "know it all"
truth is i learn as much about the topics that fills the void that the unknown leaves in my heart.
it also drives women away from me.
today i admited to my care giver that in my spare time when i was a kid that i would read the encyclopedia cover to cover.
i also told her that it mainly is useless knowledge since even if i was to recite it no one would believe me because of my schizophrenia.
when i was in the hospitable being treated for my schizophrenia for the first time i was unable to explain what really was going on in my head. all the information that i acquired at that time was making sense to only me. and no one else.
it was like i was tapped into a direct 2 way communication with the creator of this universe. and i was able to feed into what he wanted me to do with the rest of my life on earth.
i told her about the encyclopedia because she was doubting even the most basic of facts that came from my mouth. that some "dolphins are smarter than chimps."
she responded "dolphins are not animals they are fish"
this got me thinking last night. either she is sadly brainwashed. or i misinterpreted what she said.
i followed up with the statement that dolphins are mammals . not fish. and that fish are also animals. too.
to this i got no response. but it left me thinking that what is the point of having knowledge about the creation if the creatures in it care not about a thing that is around them.
it also scared me a little.
if only i could reestablish that 2 way communication i had as a teen. i could tell him i am done trying to help those who don't want to be helped. and ask him why i am still here.
but now i realize i still have one unmet goal.in life.
i know that is the reason i am still here.
AMANDA.
other than that i am done with this life.
