Fight for the right.

it is a battle to keep alive somthing that has been, and for a while has not been, well. but patience is a two way game. you can ask for patience from someone but you have to be just as patient in those who you ask to be patient with you.

a few months ago i had a vision of a possable future. what i saw was frightening but who i saw was not. it is what kept my hope alive.

we have yet to have the talk that will re-enforce our relationship, but i feel that conversation we are about to have will determin weather the visions i have had are going to pass are true or not.

i know your there.

i know your there. just please don't be afraid of contacting me. you will find that i am a very forgiving person. why do you stand at a distance but do come to visit me in my thoughts and feelings?

i need someone in my life, i have been alone ever since you abandoned our relationship. i have been hoping you would return. i can see that you visit my blog every so often. i have been glad that you still care. but i ask that you give me another chance.

i will not act desprate because i know that is a turn off.  but i will plead that if you still find me worth reading about i will ask that you drop me a line.  my skype address is still the same,  if i re-add you to my skype will you talk with me some more?

we have known each other for almost 9 years, i hope we will still be friends for another 9 years and more.

is she afraid of me?

could that be the reason i never found the woman that i have been searching for.  lies... all lies.

i have been searching for not just a pretty face but a face that will keep her focus on me. or at least for 7 years.

Amanda fitted that bill.  but she never came back after i told her that she was third in line. third only to two females that are now married to other people.

will Amanda ever return to my life or am i a lost cause in her books.

if she would rather hear me say that she is priority one when in truth at the time she was not. may of been why she left me, when all i needed was another year of her time.

i now know that when she promised that she would wait forever if needed was a lie.

i may never find my true soul mate, but i know i will never find her unless she comments on this entry like i did on Amanda's blog when her mother died.

it is true i broke Amanda's heart, but Amanda never stuck around long enough for me to keep my promise to her.

she kinda was a safety net when i made a leap of faith.

now all i am is a mess on the floor.

another month another broken heart.

boy do i know how to break them.  i don't know how to mend them once broken. most hearts i know have never mended after broken.  it turns out i am a heart breaker. i can even break the heart of the creator. i don't do it on purpose. i do it because i don't know how to do any better. hearts are a fragile component of the soul. but is a hard part to mend once broken. what i want is a heart that can take a beating but keeps on ticking. pun intended.(edit 1/25/15: or one that still beats after a long time of ticking of a clock is the implied pun)

most of the hearts i have broken i know are hearts of rejection. hearts i have rejected because i knew i would never be with them. the reason i would not be with them is because i had a glimpse into the future and i did not see them in my vision of the future.

but like Nicolas Cage in the movie "Next" states. "once you look into the future it changes. because you looked at it, and that makes all the difference"