2 bloody feet.

after stepping on a stone it took me just 2 minutes to realize my right foot was bleeding. an oddity that i cannot explain other than saying that it...  was a message from god saying "pay attention" or get hurt more.  i realize that because i have not been focusing On CJ that i have not been blogging at all since i have been sleeping most of the time.

i need to wake up and look around. but coming out of my shell is not as easy as others might think it is.

because after coming out of my shell and looking around just made me realize that there is the possibility that i hurt someone and thus hurt my chances with the one type of woman i am attracted to. why?

knowing that she could be any one of those females i realized that if i did hurt her and if i did hurt my chances with any that look like her because i go into the same downward spiral when ever i do succeed in putting her in my past painfully by not thinking about them or shutting them out of my life completely.

one day just before i decided not to let my fears manifest i said something to one of these illusions that i have been having.  she took her ear buds out of her ears and said "huh?" to me.  so i repeated my self.  but since i was getting nowhere with a simple illusion i stopped the conversation since i knew she had other things on  her mind. then talking to me. 

untill 3 minutes later.

you see,

she looked exactly like her, and i thought to my self that it is not her. and she is just a stranger who had no intentions of ever talking to me.

some background of this encounter:

winter had just started, and a blizzard had started. i asked this person if the number 2 or the number one was coming next.

i had no intentions of ever starting a conversation with this female. because i knew exactly where it would lead at that time, but the thing is i told myself if i can start a conversation with her, i, at least, was not at fault, if none occurred.

so i tried. and just like i thought none occurred..

but at least i broke out of my shell.

only to put myself back into it.

you see this illusion that i tried to converse with looked at me for half a second before we got on the bus. because i was standing behind her. thinking what if this was her. at least if i stand behind her she cannot see me unless she wants to, AND SO I CAN AVOID EYE CONTACT.

but some would say i was looking too much into this.

until i was under spiritual attack.

the entity was telling me that i needed to make an apology letter to her. and i needed tell her that i was sorry for the wrongs i committed against her. or i would not go to heaven. i gave into this entity and started writing my apology letter, but than just before i was able to save the letter notepad8 crashed. and i lost the letter, one, i have no intentions of ever re-writing.  because i know now i was under attack because this entity had told another female to meet me at the burger king that i would be having at a supper time the next time i would be out of the house.

that is how i knew i was under attack. the previous day and i knew i did not have to write another letter until she writes one to me. and thus i will not.

i know i was having a delusion because this girl who i saw at the burger king that day after i lost that letter was only seen by me. the other 3 people who where there, did not see her, when i asked afterwards if they saw her.

but alas being a schizophrenic is not the easiest of illness to have. not knowing what is real and what is not. or so they keep telling me.

let's just declare this now. if she wants something from me she will write me back or i can  safely continue to brush her under the rug of my existence. and try once more to move on.