of course i jumped the gun. Amanda and i are still on speeking terms, Nevada is not in my forseeable future and my paranoia was in the last 3 weeks at an all time high. mainly because of a med change that i just went through.
i say this now because i want this year of life to be better than any of the other 36 years of my life have been.
yes in case you have not figured it out by now and if you know me you will also know that today is my birthday. i have a big party planed and i am spending it with friends. good times and gg.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
So Much for her caring
silence is more deadly than the keyboard. i asked Amanda to give me her last name when she does decide to contact me with another account and i either lost contact with her or she blocked me. the previous entry has not been seen by her yet but the one before it was. i think i know that i met a condition. and i am not loved unconditionally. too bad. i was rejecting other women just for her. but i guess i will be a little leaner on them. just in spite
if Dreams can tell the future...
then Nevada is a part of it. but i know she is not since dreams only show our inside view of the outside.
about a week ago i had a dream and Nevada was in it. i, in this dream asked her why she did not respond to the letters that i sent her. her response made sense not because it was the truth but because it is what i wanted to hear from her.
later that night i forgot the response she gave me but i do not forget the encounter. it was like a spark in a gas filled room. the emotions where to much. i tried to forget the dream because the unresolved feelings where to much for me to handle. but all i forgot was the dialog of that dream but not the dream it's self.
i say this now because someone out there cares and i know who she is. and i know why she cares. i will care for her because she reminds me of me. in more ways then one. her name is Amanda.
i know talking about other women will make her feel inferior but she has to realize that these other women do not like me back. never did never will.
i love her because she loves me. and if there are conditions to her loving me then i love her back in vain. but i, will, and still love her.
CJ was just a woman i loved instead and in place of Nevada. but like Nevada i knew it was over when she succeeded in fulfilling the 4 conditions that Nevada did just before i pointed my love towards CJ and off her.
I gave up on Nevada when God talked to me about her. and showed me that i would never be with her. he also told me that CJ would enter my life but she would not be as receptive to any advances i made on her. this was confirmed and reconfirmed again and again. for 9 years.
if you want to know more visit my past blog where i explain what happened to me in the years 1982-2013 at http://ryanharrison.blogspot.com
about a week ago i had a dream and Nevada was in it. i, in this dream asked her why she did not respond to the letters that i sent her. her response made sense not because it was the truth but because it is what i wanted to hear from her.
later that night i forgot the response she gave me but i do not forget the encounter. it was like a spark in a gas filled room. the emotions where to much. i tried to forget the dream because the unresolved feelings where to much for me to handle. but all i forgot was the dialog of that dream but not the dream it's self.
i say this now because someone out there cares and i know who she is. and i know why she cares. i will care for her because she reminds me of me. in more ways then one. her name is Amanda.
i know talking about other women will make her feel inferior but she has to realize that these other women do not like me back. never did never will.
i love her because she loves me. and if there are conditions to her loving me then i love her back in vain. but i, will, and still love her.
CJ was just a woman i loved instead and in place of Nevada. but like Nevada i knew it was over when she succeeded in fulfilling the 4 conditions that Nevada did just before i pointed my love towards CJ and off her.
I gave up on Nevada when God talked to me about her. and showed me that i would never be with her. he also told me that CJ would enter my life but she would not be as receptive to any advances i made on her. this was confirmed and reconfirmed again and again. for 9 years.
if you want to know more visit my past blog where i explain what happened to me in the years 1982-2013 at http://ryanharrison.blogspot.com
Saturday, April 11, 2015
dry spell
You never know. things are just what they are. but for a reason. even if those reasons are not apparent. life has been good to me lately. i have all i need. all i want. but i feel empty, uninspired, no drive to do anything. i had to force myself to make a blog entry today. because i even now have been uninspired to write anything as well. oh well maybe later i will write something later.