The dream.

I had a disturbing dream yesterday afternoon. one that i could not shake. yes i said dream. not a vision or a revelation but a dream.

because i am in a time of my  life where anything goes and i am flying blind for the first time in 20 years i cannot see if i should pursue this "dream" but i know that if Amanda hates me after i Reveal this dream, that i then know what i must do.

because my sleeping patterens have been all wonky lately i have had a few disturbing dreams but the one i had last is what is keeping me awake.

you see i apparently i am consciously over CJ but there is a part of me that is not. i am guessing that is why i never am fully over her.  i have been fighting this feeling ever since i found out that she was married.  but yesterday afternoon it manifested into a dream. of her phoning me.

the dream had the usual public sightings of her that turned into her later that day phoning me.  in the dream as soon as i knew who i was talking to i hung up. but that is not where the dream ended. but it is the part i remembered most.  because it is what i always craved most.

and that is...

to have never of known her in the first place.  so i could shake her from my mind for once and for all.