Amanda... I still care! but i know it's not forever anymore.

i think she has moved on from me, since i no longer see her visiting my blog. but then again i do not see anyone visiting my blog.  maybe my statcounter code is no longer working. i know that blogger is now using HTTPS instead of HTTP. and my statcounter code i do not think uses HTTPS. but anyway. i am now, for the first time in 14 years, unsure about my future. i thought that by this time Amanda and I would of been expecting Gwen by now. but God now has other plans for our future.

Mainly mine.  i have been selfish lately and now i am reaping the rewards of that selfishness. but i know it has something to do with the idea that she has to compete with someone who does not even give me the time of day.  and of course i am talking about CJ. that was my problem. i would not shut up about CJ and i think that is what hurt our relationship more than anything.

even if Amanda never again sends me a message, try's to contact me or in no way shows me an interest in my life i know now why that is.

i just had an idea. maybe Amanda was the relationship that was prophesied when i was 17. if that was true then who was CJ in my life?

for Amanda to just lose interest in me is a hard pill to swallow. especially since i have been in her life for more than 10 years.  maybe she found someone better than me.  it's not hard.  there are a lot of better guys out there. but that is something i have never been was competitive.

that is why i am now going to test the waters. if there is an Actual girl out there  that likes me and will stick by my side "forever" then i know i have found the right one.  because now i am openly going to see if i can find that Blond from my dream that i had a few days ago. but the only catch is, she has to come to me. i am sick of looking and having them doing nothing in return.

Dreams and Realities.

if your given a dream about the future. and you keep it to your self, you will have to realize it will come to pass regardless. i have had a dream about a blond i had never seen before. she was beautiful, she was also scary, something in my mind told me to avoid her. in this dream she started chasing me, even though i never saw her before, she reminded me of a girl i once knew who's name was Alia. but this was not Alia.

just then yesterday and today i saw this drop dead beautiful blond bombshell on the bus. going to work. but it was not the girl in the dream. even so,  this girl on the bus. i think i crept her out. so unless she makes the first move, i am going to leave her well enough alone.

on a side note, i started working again this week. and i found it easy to cope with the challenges that they gave me so far. i have been given good reviews to my Job coach from the employer so far. but on that last day this week i found that all that confidence went to my head as i put a decal on a slate wrong. but even though i made the mistake as long as i am enjoying the job, i will do it well.