Will She ever forgive me?

i screwed up. i had some one special in my life and i let it slip through my fingers yet again. because i had someone else that i could not let go of in my life haunt me. and this baggage was not healthy. even though it was because i had an unhealthy attitude towards Her i could not let go. and i know why. it had something to do with my brain. when ever i thought of CJ my brain would go into a logic loop. that i found out was a part of an epileptic condition that i would actually lose consciousnesses for a noticeable period of time. and i figured it out when Crystal would "wake" me from such a time frame where i thought only 3 seconds passed. and it was actually 2 minutes.

in computers when a logic loop happens if there is nothing there to break the loop the computer will literary freeze. until the thing that is programed to break the loop breaks it. in my case it is a drug that i now put under my tongue at bed times. not only am i now able to stop thinking about CJ i can also break and notice that old logic loop i was in when ever it happens.

so where did i screw up?

i thought that Amanda would be in my future. because i saw her in a dream i had. but she stopped talking to me. all because i felt that the relationship was stagnate.

in truth, i broke a promise to her.

and for that i am sorry.

but i cannot wait forever. and i was waiting for her, because i had put myself into a logic loop. one i could not break out of until recently.

if i put myself back into a logic loop i will be stepping backwards. I will not be able to get out of it if i put myself back into one. so i refuse to do so. unless she starts talking to me again. then i will make sure that it is not in vain.