What a great time i am having at my mom's place this christmas.

things where going great untill my 94 yo grandother told me that i was fat.  it was not that she said i was fat but the way she said it, not only insulted me but it also insulted my caregiver.

i was just about to just let the comment pass off my back like water off a duck's back.

but she was persisting to remind me that i was over weight. by saying that her kniting needle was bent because i sat on it.

that ticked me off so much that i told her that she crushed it her self with her ego.


to that she replied that i had a "big mouth"

let's just say she is a stupid button pusher.  since she get's off by insulting everyone.

i told my mom that i will not tolorate verble abuse.

that is when i found out she does  it because it makes her feel good by bringing someone down to her level.

it's a no wonder Grampa left this world 16 years ago.  and that she never got remarried ever since.

he problaly could not stand her and wanted out of his "till death do we part" deal.

heaven knows that i want to punch her in the nose like i did to the last person who insulted me like her.


the scary part is that she is living in saskatoon now and she is just a small bus ride away.

since she is now incompatent and  cannot live on her own anymore she is living in a oldfolks care home.

i figure if she dies before she turns 95 i will not cry. i will rejoice.

Why they are so strong in my mind.

mainly because i was suffering from psychosis at the time i fell for them. fortunately for both of them the effect that they had on my mind was released when i found out they where married to someone else. i just wish i could find someone who i felt as strong about that also felt as strong about me. a man can dream can't he. but it is when those dreams start effecting his reality that they become dangerous.

Wow.

the post before this one sure set off alot of traffic on to my blogs in general. i am shocked that little old me is interesting enough to get 19 hits on this blog alone. that is more than i expected. i did not think that anyone cared that i found a loophole in my previous thinking and i posted it in the post prior to this one.  yay. someone out there cares.

Who am i? a follower of patterns.

Faith in what is, is easy. but you know faith in what is to come is hard. it deals with things that you cannot control. but if you see a trend that is and it does not happen the same way every time you cannot use it to look into the future. but if it always happens the same way you can set your watch to it.

i may of over looked something that i cannot control.

Amanda.

i know i have trusted in a faith that is no longer there. 

but that faith did not come from the same faith that i have in God. i have more faith in God than i ever did that i had in Amanda. so much that it blinded me from the failing of our relationship.

i felt that my relationship with Amanda was an escape from my reality that i could not acquire my hope that i was wrong about CJ.  but because i was right about her i was wrong about Amanda. that she would still be there for me when she, CJ got married to someone else.

but i now now that she is just like any other relationship i had during these two times. that i was told about by god in a vision i got when i was 17. when i asked about my future.

i now play my trump card.

when i was 7 i was given my first "prophecy" that my love line on my hand splits into 2 branches. and it had a large split in the later line close to the end. it singled that i would fall for 2 women. at a time. i know not that it would be a blond and a redhead at the same time.

i know, i am now entering a time for the third phase of my life starts when i find my next love. a blond and a redhead.

i discovered Amanda at and around the time i first fell for CJ. and  Nevada around the time i also fell for her friend Michelle.  but i only need 2 women in my life to count and make the whole puzzle fit.

with this Revelation i now know i have someone in my future. but i now know there is hope. even if Amanda is not in my future. because she is now apart of my past.

there where also my pre vision post puberty relationships. Sheri and Andrea. and every thing else fits once more.

so i am resetting my watch, and i am looking for my tribulation Girl friends if i know what is comming..

post party thoughts

after the great party that i had at Davids place as i was trying to fall asleep i started thinking that i know now why i will never get over her. and why i am doomed never to be with a female.  growing up with 3 women (my mom and 2 sisters) i realize they do not know how a male is meant to act if they have no brothers them selves.  my downfall is the fact i never was good at decoding subtle hints that they (women) give off. because i always thought that when they say something they are referring to something else.but they are able to be decoded. because they are also making the key to what they want known to those who they want the information available.

i knew CJ was paying attention to what she was receiving that week just before i left the council 8 years ago. but she did not want me to know that she was paying attention. untill i stopped caring.

i remember when Tanya the messenger told me that CJ would never read that letter that i sent her,
 but the thing is i knew she wold say that because i was able to decode that error in judgement because it followed the code that i had decoded just before the code was changed.

a code that i finally but to late'ly cracked. today. after further analysis i realized she was afraid of me. just like Nevada was. but i did not see the connection until now.  what i realize is CJ had other plans. those plans never involved me. because she did not know me. it was not until i sent her that 7 page letter that i was never on her radar. but i have been on it ever since. but not as a green dot but a red one.

you see that is code for. she knows me now. but not in a good way.

i know that the following Friday, even if i am wrong about this oh-well, she tried to phone me. she had gotten my phone number from Kelly. and she was too afraid to say a word to me. just like me to her. because when i picked up the phone there was no one there on the other end.

of course i cannot add with out a doubt that this is all my illness talking. but if it was her. she then married someone who never made her feel what i did to her.

but the truth is because i cannot stop thinking about her i have blown it with Amanda because i did not keep my promise to Amanda.