post party thoughts

after the great party that i had at Davids place as i was trying to fall asleep i started thinking that i know now why i will never get over her. and why i am doomed never to be with a female.  growing up with 3 women (my mom and 2 sisters) i realize they do not know how a male is meant to act if they have no brothers them selves.  my downfall is the fact i never was good at decoding subtle hints that they (women) give off. because i always thought that when they say something they are referring to something else.but they are able to be decoded. because they are also making the key to what they want known to those who they want the information available.

i knew CJ was paying attention to what she was receiving that week just before i left the council 8 years ago. but she did not want me to know that she was paying attention. untill i stopped caring.

i remember when Tanya the messenger told me that CJ would never read that letter that i sent her,
 but the thing is i knew she wold say that because i was able to decode that error in judgement because it followed the code that i had decoded just before the code was changed.

a code that i finally but to late'ly cracked. today. after further analysis i realized she was afraid of me. just like Nevada was. but i did not see the connection until now.  what i realize is CJ had other plans. those plans never involved me. because she did not know me. it was not until i sent her that 7 page letter that i was never on her radar. but i have been on it ever since. but not as a green dot but a red one.

you see that is code for. she knows me now. but not in a good way.

i know that the following Friday, even if i am wrong about this oh-well, she tried to phone me. she had gotten my phone number from Kelly. and she was too afraid to say a word to me. just like me to her. because when i picked up the phone there was no one there on the other end.

of course i cannot add with out a doubt that this is all my illness talking. but if it was her. she then married someone who never made her feel what i did to her.

but the truth is because i cannot stop thinking about her i have blown it with Amanda because i did not keep my promise to Amanda.