here is a test, if i Email CJ before she does me then that means i lost the battle i am currently fighting. it has been half a year since i last emailed her and i know i can last at least a year.
here is the kicker, if i do see her again it will be against my will. and i will choose to flat out ignore her. if i see her in public, why?
i want to move on.
but the thing is i don't know what to move on to. i have nothing to move on to. i have been fighting this urge for the last 8 months.
what do i want to say to her?
nothing good.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Can i ever forgive CJ?
that is the big question i have. but what is it that she did? it's not what she did it is what she didn't do. OK what did she not do?
if i go into details of what she did not do i will have to say, every thing that goes against the grain of how i wanted a woman to treat me. unfortunately i have this idea that if i ever was treated right by CJ it would become a miracle that did the reverse of how i expected to be treated by her.
it's the miracles that keep me hanging on. CJ did a few things right. but it is too late for me to pursue her. but pursuing her is not what i want to do at this time. at this time i want to forgive her. And move on.
was it her that i saw at the burger king yesterday? i could not tell but i did not bother to look either. i know she is married to someone else and that is why i never will talk to her. i never will try even to gaze into her beautiful eyes. i will treat her like Medusa, and avoid eye contact.
but can i forgive her?
i just do not know.
i want to. but it is hard to tell her that i do.
if i go into details of what she did not do i will have to say, every thing that goes against the grain of how i wanted a woman to treat me. unfortunately i have this idea that if i ever was treated right by CJ it would become a miracle that did the reverse of how i expected to be treated by her.
it's the miracles that keep me hanging on. CJ did a few things right. but it is too late for me to pursue her. but pursuing her is not what i want to do at this time. at this time i want to forgive her. And move on.
was it her that i saw at the burger king yesterday? i could not tell but i did not bother to look either. i know she is married to someone else and that is why i never will talk to her. i never will try even to gaze into her beautiful eyes. i will treat her like Medusa, and avoid eye contact.
but can i forgive her?
i just do not know.
i want to. but it is hard to tell her that i do.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Who will replace Amanda in my life.
sure, i'm depressed when i started writing this.
CJ is married, just like i knew she would be, i know she never considered me. she is happy, i must admit that.
i had this delusion that if i treated her, like she was less than me that she would look up to me. like i looked up to her because she treated me less than her.
give her a taste of her own medicine.
i know why. we never clicked.
i ran away before i was ever on her radar. i was this "strange"er.
i also had this delusion that she might of cared. but i know that is not true now. she would of written me back instead of calling me a stalker.
i thus gave her 4 conditions that she must fulfill before i was to forget her and move on. one of witch i had trouble fulfilling myself.
those conditions are.
that she would marry someone else.
that she would have a child to someone else
that 7 years would pass before i could desolve the bond between me and her.
that i would have someone else in my life to replace her.
apparently now the last condition is not there. and never will be.
CJ is married, just like i knew she would be, i know she never considered me. she is happy, i must admit that.
i had this delusion that if i treated her, like she was less than me that she would look up to me. like i looked up to her because she treated me less than her.
give her a taste of her own medicine.
i know why. we never clicked.
i ran away before i was ever on her radar. i was this "strange"er.
i also had this delusion that she might of cared. but i know that is not true now. she would of written me back instead of calling me a stalker.
i thus gave her 4 conditions that she must fulfill before i was to forget her and move on. one of witch i had trouble fulfilling myself.
those conditions are.
that she would marry someone else.
that she would have a child to someone else
that 7 years would pass before i could desolve the bond between me and her.
that i would have someone else in my life to replace her.
apparently now the last condition is not there. and never will be.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
3 of 4.
Make a difference? become who you are born to become? Or...
be happy?
i was hopping for all three.
if only CJ got married when she was supposed to instead of when she did.
let's just say she is now all three. but i am still haunted by her.
her legacy. her choice. her efforts.
all went noticed. i, on the other hand, did not.
Until it was too late. and i moved to Alberta.
her fate was sealed. no matter how hard i hit that looking glass i could not break it in time.
i lost Amanda because i lost the ability to pear into the future. because it was a gift that was taken back by the one who gave it to me. at a time that i was in a junction in my life and i wanted to choose her for reasons that i could not look forward too, because i could not see farther than 2012. and becuase of this i could not estimate or make plans that involoved someone who i thought would beable to second guess my intentions.
the plans that he has for my life are that i don't know any more. as to why it is just lingering on and on, i do not know. when is the stupid Rapture going to happen? and am i ready for it?
or is he just preparing our hearts for a life that involves the most patient of people. those who die waiting for something that he knows will not happen until the looking glass is broken, and shards are cutting red on the floor from our bloody feet.
or is it our fists that are bloody? from trying too hard.
when growing up i was living a double life. one that involved me being the mentor to 4 of the most beautiful girls in the same grade as me. and the other where i meant nothing to them.
i never realized that this world was going on around me out side of my shell. i never cared for this world until i was medicated for the first time... around the time i wanted to merge the two worlds. and become the world to 4 girls.
i know i never will try for woman number 4 and that is why i thought Amanda was woman 3.
i realize now the blood is not from my fists trying to break down the wall that CJ erected between us. but it was a hemorrhage from my skull trying to break out of my own shell.
be happy?
i was hopping for all three.
if only CJ got married when she was supposed to instead of when she did.
let's just say she is now all three. but i am still haunted by her.
her legacy. her choice. her efforts.
all went noticed. i, on the other hand, did not.
Until it was too late. and i moved to Alberta.
her fate was sealed. no matter how hard i hit that looking glass i could not break it in time.
i lost Amanda because i lost the ability to pear into the future. because it was a gift that was taken back by the one who gave it to me. at a time that i was in a junction in my life and i wanted to choose her for reasons that i could not look forward too, because i could not see farther than 2012. and becuase of this i could not estimate or make plans that involoved someone who i thought would beable to second guess my intentions.
the plans that he has for my life are that i don't know any more. as to why it is just lingering on and on, i do not know. when is the stupid Rapture going to happen? and am i ready for it?
or is he just preparing our hearts for a life that involves the most patient of people. those who die waiting for something that he knows will not happen until the looking glass is broken, and shards are cutting red on the floor from our bloody feet.
or is it our fists that are bloody? from trying too hard.
when growing up i was living a double life. one that involved me being the mentor to 4 of the most beautiful girls in the same grade as me. and the other where i meant nothing to them.
i never realized that this world was going on around me out side of my shell. i never cared for this world until i was medicated for the first time... around the time i wanted to merge the two worlds. and become the world to 4 girls.
i know i never will try for woman number 4 and that is why i thought Amanda was woman 3.
i realize now the blood is not from my fists trying to break down the wall that CJ erected between us. but it was a hemorrhage from my skull trying to break out of my own shell.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Can't let a good guy down.
Due to a whole lot of network issues at home i have not been blogging as much as i wanted to in the last month. after losing contact with amanda, i found that all i care about now is the Rapture. but knowing that it could not happen in my life time is what is currently depressing me.
i feel that there is somthing i must do before it happens. or even so. somthing must happen to me before it happens is anotherthing that i feel must happen before it happens.
can you wrap your head around that one?
i know there have been predictions after predictions of when it or if it takes place. but i know i will be apart of it or die just before it. but i have made predictions before about my death. but have turned up emtey.
but i can feel my body failing ever since i had my gull bladder removed. and i know that all the background radiation that i know i am exposed to will either kill me or make me stronger.
i do not want to go back to SAC since i had a vision about being there that i do not want to come true. but ever since i lost my job at C4K i know it will be a pressure to go back there.
i feel that there is somthing i must do before it happens. or even so. somthing must happen to me before it happens is anotherthing that i feel must happen before it happens.
can you wrap your head around that one?
i know there have been predictions after predictions of when it or if it takes place. but i know i will be apart of it or die just before it. but i have made predictions before about my death. but have turned up emtey.
but i can feel my body failing ever since i had my gull bladder removed. and i know that all the background radiation that i know i am exposed to will either kill me or make me stronger.
i do not want to go back to SAC since i had a vision about being there that i do not want to come true. but ever since i lost my job at C4K i know it will be a pressure to go back there.