Un-Conditional Love

it may be hard to express it but if you don't have a reason to love someone but you make an effort to do so, just because you know it is the right thing to do. regardless of how they treat you. that is what i know is unconditional Love. 

but lust is not love.  if you just want someone just because you are attracted to them physically that is not unconditional but conditional love.  because once they change your gone from their lives.

that is why i want to express unconditional love towards Amanda. always have and always will. mainly because i want her to express unconditional love towards me.  if i make a mistake i don't want her to leave my life just because i made a mistake. but to stick with me even though we may have our disagreements or our dry spells.

but some times i just need reassuring that my effort is not in vain. Fortunately i just got some reassurance that it is not in vain and will keep in mind that we are forever paired. because it is unconditional love that i have for her.

Driftweed

i don't know what to say. other then, the facts.

amanda has been silent. i feel she has nothing to say to me and i have nothing to say to her. so we don't talk. yet relationships are based on verbal communication. otherwise if there is no communication. there is no relationship.
she is on my contact list, she is there. but she is busy most of the time. and she does not respond most of the time.

i feel we have drifited apart. so far apart that we may never beable to drift back togeather.

i understand her life is busy, i get it, i also get that i have been a support for her in the past, but now that she has grown up she can now handle life on her own.  and i feel she does not need me anymore. but i still need her.

if the puzzle is too hard...

i turn down the difficulty level till i get the level that i can beat the game. then slowly turn up the level till i am at the point that i can have fun with the game. i know i have been finding the game of life too hard.

so when i came to god i told him to turn the difficulty level down. and he did.  but he has been turning the difficulty level up ever so slowly that i have noticed it going up.

God has been kind to me. mainly because ,he has a purpose to my life other wise i would be dead already.

but i see a test coming. one that i have studied for. but i am no where near ready for.

i ask him to remove me before i have to make the choice. as i feel i will have to make the choice that will take me away from him if i have to make it. yet i know what i have to do when i am confronted with this choice.

it is going to be the toughest choice i will ever have to make.

i will make my choice now but i do not know how i will get through it. but i know i will try. since i have no other choice.

"Black Murky Water" dream. i now know what it meant.

CJ is no longer in my future. but if she wanted me in hers she will have to read this last effort on my behalf.

i no longer have dreams or visions of her in my life but she is not forgotten.

what i am saying is she will no longer be considered by me as a possible friend regardless...

ever since i was 17 i had visions of a certain female that would enter my life but never become my friend.

i knew i would obsess about this female. even go as far as having a conversation as someone else with her. but never actually clicking with this female. the next female that entered my life after i was rejected by Nevada i would fall for and never actually be a friend to.

i know now that was CJ. 

i for 9 years have been obsessing about her. and only in the last 2 years have been able to get my mind off her, and on other more important things like the Rapture and God, one of witch who has who gave me that revelation in the first place.

knowing that she married someone else was the break i was looking for. the catalyst that broke the mold of what was a paradigm i needed to free my self from.

but why do i still linger on this subject? she made an impact in my life. one i was warned about. and one i could not free myself from. but it was a tool that God used on me to prove to me that when he makes a promise about the future and you try to fight it. it will prove you cannot beat the creator of the game at the game he made himself.

if you want to play a game and you find the game easy at first, be careful because you might find your self next to a pool of black murky water. that if your not careful you might just get thrown into.

7 year cycle has restarted. get it right this time support staff.

i am having another phycotic break because i know that my life is in danger.

my symtoms are:

paranoid delusions
headacke
sweatyness after being outside in -43 degree weather for half a minute

voices in my head telling me all that i am doing wrong and no constructive criticisim
insomnia
jaw pain(unrelated)
 tiredness


i am telling you this Amanda because you are the only one other then my family who knows me longer then anyone i am working with or is on my support staff. but your life is in danger and i have been putting this off because i need to know if you think i am Crazy or you believe me when i say you need to get farther away from both coast lines. because an astroid is going to hit the atlantic ocean.

you have untill the last blood moon to move.

i am crazy, or i  am a prophet. i cannot be both.

i know i am not both.