Time to bury the hatchet?

today i will find out if my friend is in fact a forgiving friend or just another person who does not care if i live or die. as i invited him to my birthday party that i am going to have at Davids place tonight. i will keep you informed if things go well or if things head south.

kill the silence? only time will tell.

now playing the victim card to a whole new level will just put me on edge. he knows that cutting off communication only works if you are mad at someone but to make a point of deleting some one after becoming mad after a fight shows how little you meant to the person in the first place. the So called friend has had a history of only seeing his side of the story and also only playing by his own rules and getting everyone on his side. if you decide to impose your own rules he will end up deleting you from his ever so lowering list of friends. and he will take your mutual list of friends with him. or so he thinks.

you see, i figured this would happen. i made a choice, either get my point across or become the actual victim to his manipulation. i chose the former. in the end he played the victim card. and once i turn 37 there will be no return to innocence.

just in case your unaware i turn 37 tomorrow. and the ex friend is Carl.

an update about my own personal "civil war"

So My ex-friend Did apologize for keeping me up all night, but only after alot of back and forth dialog of him twisting everything i typed to him. i know he wanted me to talk in voice because i did not have a way of recording it. if i did. but that is not where it ended. i figured i would talk to him only if he would first apoligize. once he did i tried to reach out by voice. that is when the yelling started. i am not going to put up with his yelling i later told him that so he repetedly called me by skype untill i would pick up. i told him that he had to calm down first. he even called me by phone.

that is where the manipulation started. i know it was manipulation because i recognized it as such.my mom used the exact same tactics when i was growing up. that is how i reconized it.

you see once he calmed down and let me talk without interruptions i told him the exact reason why i was mad at him. until he started twisting my words into something "simpler that he could understand" but in doing so he lost all the reasons i was mad at him in the first place. and he saw it as reasons i was "restricting" him and his abilities. when what i said was if he does something i wanted him to think it through first and follow through with it or tell me if he changes his mind before it's too late.


honestly, i don't think our relationship will survive until my birthday if it is not gone already. because the man  needs to learn how to listen and comprehend properly if he ever wants to be in my life once i turn 37. i guess that will be the point of no return if i have to make one.

i for one will not put up with manipulation and i will not dish it out anymore. i am done. if i get mad i get mad that is my right and i will express why i am mad if someone wants to make me happy they cannot. because i am the only one who has control over me.

he can get mad all he wants but i will not talk to him when he is. nuff said.

don't make promises that you have no intetions of keeping.

implied or not, if you say something about the future about something you will do it is a "promise" regardless of the fact you said the word promise or not. i am done with a so called friend who likes to make promises just to get your hopes up only to later claim that he never made the promise in the first place. this is not the first time he has done this but as far as i am concerned it will be his last. because i know that if i make a promise i will try my best to keep it. Amanda knows this better than anyone. AND IF I CANNOT DELIVER MY PROMISE I WILL STATE THAT, NOT DENY THAT I MADE THE PROMISE IN THE FIRST PLACE. denying the promise is like lying about the promise you made in the first place. the definition of promise i am using is "Agreement about a future event"

i will mention the friend's name if he does not decide to hear me out, because right now i am on fight and flight mode.

two weeks later

and i find out that i am  too advanced for the training center At SAC. so i will not be going back. as of yesterday i completed my evaluation at SAC. and, i have to wait for the people at Partners in employment to get back to me about the results. but yesterday i had my outgoing interview where i learned all this info.

It's Not Her.

Thank God.  i confirmed that it is not CJ that i am seeing at SAC. just as i thought it was another case of mistaken identity. i tend to do that alot. but at least i can start with a fresh slate with this person. i just don't know how to spell her name. lol

who is she?

She knew my name, she talks to me and she looks like CJ. and she works at SAC in the afternoon. but i doubt it is her.

at first i thought i was hallucinating again. seeing someone who reminds me of CJ there and since i recognize that that is the place i first met her i would not doubt that i would find someone that looks like her there. but the similarities will end there. because 2 factors will be put into play when things start getting more involved than that. for one i am taken and if it is her, she is married.

as for her knowing my name, almost everyone there knew my name. and for her talking to me this time, the only difference is i now talk to any one there regardless if i like them or not. except if the person does not talk to me first.

i also met someone new in the evaluation process as me. she is the first stranger there that talks to me there when i started there on Tuesday.  it could also be that i was the only one who was in that room when i was there and i was the only one who was familiar there. totally understandable.

So on monday or tuesday i am going to ask this CJ clone her name. to put to rest the paranoia i have and start with a clean slate and put to end this whole sherade that i currently have against her. the clone not CJ.