3 of 4.

Make a difference? become who you are born to become? Or...

be happy?

i was hopping for all three.


if only CJ got married when she was supposed to instead of when she did.

let's just say she is now all three. but i am still haunted by her.

her legacy.  her choice. her efforts.

all went noticed.  i, on the other hand, did not.

Until it was too late. and i moved to Alberta.

her fate was sealed. no matter how hard i hit that looking glass i could not break it in time.

i lost Amanda because i lost the ability to pear into the future.  because it was a gift that was taken back by the one who gave it to me. at a time that i was in a junction in my life and i wanted to choose her for reasons that i could not look forward too, because i could not see farther than 2012. and becuase of this i could not estimate or make plans that involoved someone who i thought would beable to second guess my intentions.

the plans that he has for my life are that i don't know any more. as to why it is just lingering on and on, i do not know.  when is the stupid Rapture going to happen? and am i ready for it?

or is he just preparing our hearts for a life that involves the most patient of people.  those who die waiting for something that he knows will not happen until the looking glass is broken, and shards are cutting red on the floor from our bloody feet.

or is it our fists that are bloody? from trying too hard.

when growing up i was living a double life.  one that involved me being the mentor to 4 of the most beautiful girls in the same grade as me. and the other where i meant nothing to them.

i never realized that this world was going on around me out side of my shell. i never cared for this world until i was medicated for the first time... around the time i wanted to merge the two worlds. and become the world to 4 girls.

i know i never will try for woman number 4 and that is why i thought Amanda was woman 3.

i realize now the blood is not from my fists trying to break down the wall that CJ erected between us. but it was a hemorrhage from my skull trying to break out of my own shell.