Who will replace Amanda in my life.

sure, i'm depressed when i started writing this. 

CJ is married, just like i knew she would be, i know she never considered me. she is happy, i must admit that.

i had this delusion that if i treated her, like she was less than me that she would look up to me. like i looked up to her because she treated me less than her.

give her a taste of her own medicine.

i know why. we never clicked.

i ran away before i was ever on her radar.  i was this "strange"er.

i also had this delusion that she might of cared. but i know that is not true now.  she would of written me back instead of calling me a stalker.

i thus gave her 4 conditions that she must fulfill before i was to forget her and move on. one of witch i had trouble fulfilling myself.

those conditions are.

that she would marry someone else.
that she would have a child to someone else
that 7 years would pass before i could desolve the bond between me and her.
that i would have someone else in my life to replace her.


apparently now the last condition is not there. and never will be.