Internet radio

so i opened my internet radio a few days ago but i have not much playing on it. mainly because i have not had it up and running all that much.

on it i have been playing modfiles, and that's it. just modfiles.

it may sound boring but there are some really good mod files out there. some that even surpass mp3's IMO.

if you want to listen all you have to do is point to http://radio.slother3x.info where i have setup a player so you can listen to it

otherwise open up shoutcast and look for "slother3x"

Slother3x's Station

i started my first internet radio station. you can listen to it on shoutcast. just do a search for Slother3x and you will find it.

or you can visit my website for a direct link to the player that i spent all night getting to work.

all i am playing right now is music i got from http://modarchive.org/

i am also thinking of adding my SNES music archive i got from http://snesmusic.org/v2/
 aswell

an update

Still looking forward to the day i can give Amanda A big hug and never let her go it has been awhile since i heard from her. but i know we will talk once something new happens in our lives. Carl and i have patched up our rocky relationship but apparently i have to rebuild trust with him. it is just that vise versa is also true. anyway you look at it it will live another day.

Time to bury the hatchet?

today i will find out if my friend is in fact a forgiving friend or just another person who does not care if i live or die. as i invited him to my birthday party that i am going to have at Davids place tonight. i will keep you informed if things go well or if things head south.

kill the silence? only time will tell.

now playing the victim card to a whole new level will just put me on edge. he knows that cutting off communication only works if you are mad at someone but to make a point of deleting some one after becoming mad after a fight shows how little you meant to the person in the first place. the So called friend has had a history of only seeing his side of the story and also only playing by his own rules and getting everyone on his side. if you decide to impose your own rules he will end up deleting you from his ever so lowering list of friends. and he will take your mutual list of friends with him. or so he thinks.

you see, i figured this would happen. i made a choice, either get my point across or become the actual victim to his manipulation. i chose the former. in the end he played the victim card. and once i turn 37 there will be no return to innocence.

just in case your unaware i turn 37 tomorrow. and the ex friend is Carl.

an update about my own personal "civil war"

So My ex-friend Did apologize for keeping me up all night, but only after alot of back and forth dialog of him twisting everything i typed to him. i know he wanted me to talk in voice because i did not have a way of recording it. if i did. but that is not where it ended. i figured i would talk to him only if he would first apoligize. once he did i tried to reach out by voice. that is when the yelling started. i am not going to put up with his yelling i later told him that so he repetedly called me by skype untill i would pick up. i told him that he had to calm down first. he even called me by phone.

that is where the manipulation started. i know it was manipulation because i recognized it as such.my mom used the exact same tactics when i was growing up. that is how i reconized it.

you see once he calmed down and let me talk without interruptions i told him the exact reason why i was mad at him. until he started twisting my words into something "simpler that he could understand" but in doing so he lost all the reasons i was mad at him in the first place. and he saw it as reasons i was "restricting" him and his abilities. when what i said was if he does something i wanted him to think it through first and follow through with it or tell me if he changes his mind before it's too late.


honestly, i don't think our relationship will survive until my birthday if it is not gone already. because the man  needs to learn how to listen and comprehend properly if he ever wants to be in my life once i turn 37. i guess that will be the point of no return if i have to make one.

i for one will not put up with manipulation and i will not dish it out anymore. i am done. if i get mad i get mad that is my right and i will express why i am mad if someone wants to make me happy they cannot. because i am the only one who has control over me.

he can get mad all he wants but i will not talk to him when he is. nuff said.

don't make promises that you have no intetions of keeping.

implied or not, if you say something about the future about something you will do it is a "promise" regardless of the fact you said the word promise or not. i am done with a so called friend who likes to make promises just to get your hopes up only to later claim that he never made the promise in the first place. this is not the first time he has done this but as far as i am concerned it will be his last. because i know that if i make a promise i will try my best to keep it. Amanda knows this better than anyone. AND IF I CANNOT DELIVER MY PROMISE I WILL STATE THAT, NOT DENY THAT I MADE THE PROMISE IN THE FIRST PLACE. denying the promise is like lying about the promise you made in the first place. the definition of promise i am using is "Agreement about a future event"

i will mention the friend's name if he does not decide to hear me out, because right now i am on fight and flight mode.

two weeks later

and i find out that i am  too advanced for the training center At SAC. so i will not be going back. as of yesterday i completed my evaluation at SAC. and, i have to wait for the people at Partners in employment to get back to me about the results. but yesterday i had my outgoing interview where i learned all this info.

It's Not Her.

Thank God.  i confirmed that it is not CJ that i am seeing at SAC. just as i thought it was another case of mistaken identity. i tend to do that alot. but at least i can start with a fresh slate with this person. i just don't know how to spell her name. lol

who is she?

She knew my name, she talks to me and she looks like CJ. and she works at SAC in the afternoon. but i doubt it is her.

at first i thought i was hallucinating again. seeing someone who reminds me of CJ there and since i recognize that that is the place i first met her i would not doubt that i would find someone that looks like her there. but the similarities will end there. because 2 factors will be put into play when things start getting more involved than that. for one i am taken and if it is her, she is married.

as for her knowing my name, almost everyone there knew my name. and for her talking to me this time, the only difference is i now talk to any one there regardless if i like them or not. except if the person does not talk to me first.

i also met someone new in the evaluation process as me. she is the first stranger there that talks to me there when i started there on Tuesday.  it could also be that i was the only one who was in that room when i was there and i was the only one who was familiar there. totally understandable.

So on monday or tuesday i am going to ask this CJ clone her name. to put to rest the paranoia i have and start with a clean slate and put to end this whole sherade that i currently have against her. the clone not CJ.

Looks like Amanda was just waiting for me to say somthing to her

like the title says. we talked today. and just before i was to start Day one Of SAC. i hope all is good. because all it took was me to say something. to open the floodgates. even though it was brief we still are in communication.

less than a week before the new week starts.

Amanda say something. i need to know that it is not in vain. but like Ecclesiastes starts "vanity of vanities" i knew my so called relationship with CJ would end with her getting married to someone else, but it did not stop me from trying to reach out to her. until the end did come and i knew it was just as predicted after she met the five conditions of that relationship coming to a close. when i was 17 i had a vision when my illness kicked in. but i did love her. but the relationship had no hope.  unlike what i had for Nevada,  a hope that the vision was wrong.

in the vision i was to find my soul mate, when i turn 37. no sooner. (or was it when i turn 40? i cannot think of the current details) because of the way i prayed for that vision. i would repeat the same steps until the appropriate amount of time has passed. i am willing to wait till i am 47 for her to find me. but in that vision i will be taken away from the "world" on my third journey. 2 of which i have succeeded in compleating. one more to go. the last one.

Amanda Don't Be Another CJ. because if i see the same things starting again i know how to "back out" and i will. if i see another 10 years of my life going to waste. just fair warning. this is my plead to you. don't give me a reason to back out now.

the ball is now in your court. hit it back.

Curses?

maybe i should of pressured her. it has been a while since i heard from her. and i am not sure if she is still coming here. i do want to see her face to face. all i know is that we are drifting farther and farther apart.  it seems that it is i who initiates the conversations. if we rarely do have them. i would like to have more of them but i know not what to talk about if anything. i thought with CJ out of the picture we would be closer together. but with her out of the picture a curse has been placed on mine and Amanda's relationship. one that i know not how to lift.

same socks be damed

my paranoia is at a all time high in these days. i feel that i am being robbed from yet i have little to no proof other seeing none of my room mates wearing clothes that have gone missing  from my room. i tried to point this out to my caregiver. but then i just got told that it is unlikely that it is happening.

so now i lock my room almost every time i leave it. but i know it is not enough.

it was because yesterday i saw my room mate wearing some of the exact socks that i was wearing at the time. i asked him where he got them and he could not tell me. he told me he found them in his laundry

but other than that i have nothing new to report.

Amanda you still there?

still looking forward to the day i can see Amanda face to face. but i am not going to pressure her in to coming to see me. it might be a while yet till i see her. but i know she is worth waiting for. all i know is it is unrealistic in going to see her. that is the sad part. since my illness will prevent me from saving the money required to go there and getting a hotel and then going too and fro there.

but last i heard she was saving to see me. but i have not really heard much else from her since. hopefully she still is eager to see me. unless she has found someone new and has failed to tell me. but i doubt that.

news? not much.

so, i now know that i will be returning to SAC and i will be having another evaluation once i get there.  as it has been over 10 years since i last had one.  but i know that if all goes well, i should have a reason to get out of the house. with CJ fully out of the picture, (now that she is married,) i now have nothing to worry about.

as for amanda i am not sure when i will be seeing her face to face. as we only corsponded a few times in the last 4 months,  but i am hopeing that i get to see her soon.

 as for CFK i know i will not have another chance.  since CFK went belly up.


other than that i have nothing new to report.

Ignorance is bliss. knowledge is torture.

seeking to know what others don't is not a flaw in my character. it is a weakness i posess. knowledge is somthing i use to kill a fear i have.

i fear the unknown.

if i fill that unknown with information i know now it comes across like i am a "know it all"

truth is i learn as much about the topics that fills the void that the unknown leaves in my heart.

it also drives women away from me.

today i admited to my care giver that in my spare time when i was a kid that i would read the encyclopedia cover to cover.

i also told her that it mainly is useless knowledge since even if i was to recite it no one would believe me because of my schizophrenia.

when i was in the hospitable being treated for my schizophrenia for the first time i was unable to explain what really was going on in my head. all the information that i acquired at that time was making sense to only me. and no one else.

it was like i was tapped into a direct 2 way communication with the creator of this universe. and i was able to feed into what he wanted me to do with the rest of my life on earth.


i told her about the encyclopedia because she was doubting even the most basic of facts that came from my mouth. that some "dolphins are smarter than chimps."

she responded "dolphins are not animals they are fish"

this got me thinking last night. either she is sadly brainwashed. or i misinterpreted what she said.

i followed up with the statement that dolphins are mammals . not fish. and that fish are also animals. too.

to this i got no response. but it left me thinking that what is the point of having knowledge about the creation if the creatures in it care not about a thing that is around them.

it also scared me a little.

if only i could reestablish that 2 way communication i had as a teen. i could tell him i am done trying to help those who don't want to be helped. and ask him why i am still here.

but now i realize i still have one unmet goal.in life.

i know that is the reason i am still here.

AMANDA.

other than that i am done with this life.

Wow. talk about being inactive

yes i know, it's been awhile since i last made a blog entry.  it's been awhile since i did anything. my life has been at a standstill. i have not really done much of anything. i have not entirely been active doing anything.  once a week i get out of the house and i do pretty much nothing otherwise.

but next year that will change, starting next year i will be getting my life on a new track a new plan a new life. i guess you can say this is my midlife crisis. but since i have done every thing i wanted to do in my life except one thing i have no real direction in my life. other than the one thing i have done every thing i want to do with my life.

ok maybe two things. but the other thing no longer matters. since i kinda skipped a step to achieve a goal in my life. the other thing i just thought of was getting my schooling. but since i had  the job i wanted that i would get from schooling it is no longer important to me.

Going back to work as planed.

i am thinking of going back to work as planned i now have my foot in the door as i have made my appointment to return to work in January. i made an appointment with partners in employment and hopefully i can reinstate my income.

it has been awhile since i have worked and i might need help easing into it.

but with an income i can re-pay the government the money i owe.

other than that i have nothing new to report.

i knew it was not over yet.

it's been awhile, i just have had nothing to say.  until now.

i know i have had the odds of needing to pay back the government for the over payment they made me. not in my favor. apparently i owe them around $352.00 for not being in a program that pays me. extra.

i had apparently been getting $27 a month extra because i was in a program. of some sort. but ever since C4K went down and i was not "working" since i was supposed to tell my SAID worker that and i was apparently not supposed to get the extra 27 a month because i did not need the bus pass money.

even though i have been getting the bus pass anyways.

My SAID worker kept telling me how important it was for me to keep her updated. but i did not know this until it was too late.

besides my memory is not the best anyways, unless it is stressed into memory. then i never forget.

times are getting close.

it's coming close to Amanda's birthday and i was thinking i should do something to commemorate the day.but what? the best i can think of is wishing her a happy day. but i feel i could do more. its been awhile since we last talked and i know it is hard to talk to those i love.  regardless if we are on good terms or not.

Amanda has been there through the thick of thin things and i am grateful for that.

she may realize it or not but i have not forgotten about her.  it's just that our relationship i do not want to spoil. by saying something wrong. so i say nothing at all.

but even saying nothing can spoil a relationship.

so i will say "I love you Amanda" and "happy birthday." when the time comes.

Another Good Gaming Party.

My friend David Sure knows how to throw a good party, as i just got back from his place after one. we had a game of RISK II and thinking he would of been the first player eliminated i made the mistake of saying so out loud. as you know in "risk," with the settings we picked, anything could happen. and that is what did happen. i was eliminated shortly after making that comment.

other than that nothing new to report.

Another Update.

My Domain name that i purchased i am using to host both my Tradewars server and ftp web site.

slother3x.info

i can finally say i am getting the hang of setting it up.

even though it has been up for awhile on and off. i am going to say now it will be taken down if others start abusing it like they did with my old no-ip,org domain.

i put my tradewars server at

twgs.slother3x.info

and my website is at

www.slother3x.info

quick update

Things are going well for me now.

 just upgraded all my computers to windows 10 and was given the OK to walk without the knee immobilizer that i have been walking with.

even though i have been without the hallucinations for awhile i had one when i was at the hospital getting my x-ray on my leg.

 it may just be that i may never be able to rid my self of them, but i know that if i ever do, i will be happier than i am right now.

God where are you in my life?

i need him more than anything yet like others i love i  have been pushing him away by thinking i have been without praise and worship.

i know i have angered him yet i know not what to do,  from this point on.

i feel empty and i have felt this way for awhile now. not knowing why.

it  has been awhile since i blogged last. and i was on top of my 'game' then but even then the depletion had started.

things are happening faster then expected. and i am running out of time. but so is everyone else.

there is not much more i can do or say. but to let things flow.

i have been a spectator for far too long. i think it is time to get back into the game.

news

you may or may not remember me talking about my grandmother. who insulted me at Christmas, 2 years ago. she passed away 2 days ago. i should feel sad but i don't because something great over shadowed that news.  Amanda is in the consideration phase of coming to see me some time in early next year.  it got me so happy that nothing could bring me down.

other than that nothing new to report.

To Amanda with love.

i have been depressed lately. but it has been because i am confined to my bed. soon i will no longer have my wings clipped.  i am feeling allot better but i am also feeling that i have let yet another great girl slip through the cracks that is my life. i have not heard from Amanda since i broke my leg 3 weeks ago.  she has been periodically been visiting my blog but has not said a word.

Amanda is a Great Girl.  she has stuck by my side for almost 10 years. she has waited and waited for me to get over CJ.  she even sees something in me that both CJ and Nevada never did. for that i know Amanda is the one i should spend the rest of my life with. however short it may be.

I got Broken bone not from stick or stone....

...but from my own stupidity.

as 3 days ago i broke a bone in my "good" leg.

breaking a bone is alot easier then having a muscle removed but still hurts. none the less.

i am not going to say how i broke it but i will say it has made my life allot harder to do the simple things.

Lies will Haunt you but the truth is Stranger then Fiction

i know that if you try to deceive someone they will follow you like a lemming off the cliff that you have tried so hard to explain that they have not been heading towards.

for 10 years i loved someone and have lead someone else off a previous cliff mainly because that cliff was easier to jump off of instead of falling off of once the foundation eroded from it.

this morning God Told me to come clean about something that has been bugging me for awhile.

Amanda is going to witness my death.

but it is a death by a nephilim.

and it is only if i save her's, (Amanda,) first.

by telling her, Amanda, to come to me.

since i am incapable of comming to her in my current living situation.

all i can say is if i die it will be before she does but only if she heeds my warning first.

and moves away from the ocean,

unless of course we are both Raptured out of here before the devil gets a chance to.

if my prayers are heeded i will die a painless death or be raptured out of here.

but i also know about the apostasy filter that is being applied to my life and is filtering out my life and if testing my faith is enough to matter to others.

i know i will never be able to shake the dream i had where i was killed by a nephilim all because i told him that he was a demon that came from the pits of hell and was not a "alien from another planet" like everyone else was tricked into thinking.

but hey, your favorite hockey team will win the cup this year so go back to sleep and all will be o.k.

faith.

faith is like a mustard seed.  it, even though it is small if nurtured and given plenty of "good soil" to grow, it turns into the greatest of plants. someone out there has faith in me, but i admit that i have not given her the best of "soil" to "work with."

you can only give what you have been given. and i have not been given the surface to "sow" what i have "reaped." because my priorities are misguided and in error. they always have been.

like a seed that has been planted in the shallow soil, will spring up, but when the sun comes out it will wither and die. 

Today as i was trying to fall asleep i prayed that i be moved from the shallow soil to the deep and good soil and help me make the right choices.

whether or not if that prayer was answered with a "yes" yet is another question.

i have been, struggling with the sin of viewing pornographic material, it has been a problem for awhile, i have taken on the sins of a friend that also has been struggling.

it does not help that my spam folder is filled with such pictures.

i thought i had victory over this sin but it has made me docile in my efforts.

it was to the point that God intervened in my life and stopped me from viewing it the day before yesterday.

if it was not the voices it was the the sins of my past that resurfaced.

Stop Mocking me!!!

what was so hard, about asking her to help me in a time of need?  i may of been psychotic but i was also catatonic in my efforts, i could not move. i called for her help but i got no responce.

i left the scene when i knew it was too late. i tried to forget. i tried to move on. i tried live with it. i tried to live without it. i tried i tried and i tried. But God was Right. i would always be reminded and i would always find another reason.

"the internet is not written in pencil.  it is written in INK."

those people who live and breathe forget that others live and breathe too.  they are so worried about their lives that others are dying all around them, yet they don't look at their own lives and see how finite it is.

it's not about winning souls to your cause. it is about doing what is right. what is Just. and what is Noble. what is Honorable. what is Respectful.

something the world apparently has forgotten along time ago.

i need help at this time.

but none in this world can help me.

they are all too busy doing their own thing.

getting married, having children, living their lives.

forgetting about those who have moved on. and not looking back at what they can do better. or at least if they did, they will do better with someone else forgetting her or him that they made a mistake with in the first place.

and if they do try to fix the problem, it is not received the way that they had hoped it would be.

i refuse to die a copy. because i was born an individual.

https://youtu.be/MrRQEQN38Lg

The party lasted a week!!!

They really do mean marathon when you select marathon in the game speed in civilization 4.  as for my birthday party we, being David Robert and i, had a marathon game of civilization 4. that lasted a week.  at least 20 hours in total.  late nights and late games means we slept when we could and Robert and i went and saw the new avengers movie.

but like all parties. this one has to come to a  close.

the year ahead.

of course i jumped the gun.  Amanda and i are still on speeking terms, Nevada is not in my forseeable future and my paranoia was in the last 3 weeks at an all time high. mainly because of a med change that i just went through.

i say this now because i want this year of life to be better than any of the other 36 years of my life have been.

yes in case you have not figured it out by now and if you know me you will also know that today is my birthday.  i have a big party planed and  i am spending it with friends.  good times and gg.

So Much for her caring

silence is more deadly than the keyboard. i asked Amanda to give me her last name when she does decide to contact me with another account and i either lost contact with her or she blocked me. the previous entry has not been seen by her yet but the one before it was. i think i know that i met a condition. and i am not loved unconditionally. too bad. i was rejecting other women just for her. but i guess i will be a little leaner on them. just in spite

if Dreams can tell the future...

then Nevada is a part of it. but i know she is not since dreams only show our inside view of the outside.

about a week ago i had a dream and Nevada was in it. i, in this dream asked her why she did not respond to the letters that i sent her. her response made sense not because it was the truth but because it is what i wanted to hear from her.

later that night i forgot the response she gave me but i do not forget the encounter. it was like a spark in a gas filled room. the emotions where to much. i tried to forget the dream because the unresolved feelings where to much for me to handle. but all i forgot was the dialog of that dream but not the dream it's self.

i say this now because someone out there cares and i know who she is. and i know why she cares. i will care for her because she reminds me of me. in more ways then one. her name is Amanda.

i know talking about other women will make her feel inferior but she has to realize that these other women do not like me back. never did never will.

i love her because she loves me.  and if there are conditions to her loving me then i love her back in vain. but i, will, and still love her.

CJ was just a woman i loved instead and in place of Nevada. but like Nevada i knew it was over when she succeeded in fulfilling the 4 conditions that Nevada did just before i pointed my love towards CJ and off her.

I gave up on Nevada when God talked to me about her. and showed me that i would never be with her. he also told me that CJ would enter my life but she would not be as receptive to any advances i made on her. this was confirmed and reconfirmed again and again. for 9 years.

if you want to know more visit my past blog where i explain what happened to me in the years 1982-2013 at http://ryanharrison.blogspot.com

dry spell

You never know. things are just what they are. but for a reason.  even if those reasons are not apparent.  life has been good to me lately. i have all i need. all i want.  but i feel empty, uninspired,  no drive to do anything.  i had to force myself to make a blog entry today. because i even now have been uninspired to write anything as well. oh well maybe later i will write something later.

Un-Conditional Love

it may be hard to express it but if you don't have a reason to love someone but you make an effort to do so, just because you know it is the right thing to do. regardless of how they treat you. that is what i know is unconditional Love. 

but lust is not love.  if you just want someone just because you are attracted to them physically that is not unconditional but conditional love.  because once they change your gone from their lives.

that is why i want to express unconditional love towards Amanda. always have and always will. mainly because i want her to express unconditional love towards me.  if i make a mistake i don't want her to leave my life just because i made a mistake. but to stick with me even though we may have our disagreements or our dry spells.

but some times i just need reassuring that my effort is not in vain. Fortunately i just got some reassurance that it is not in vain and will keep in mind that we are forever paired. because it is unconditional love that i have for her.

Driftweed

i don't know what to say. other then, the facts.

amanda has been silent. i feel she has nothing to say to me and i have nothing to say to her. so we don't talk. yet relationships are based on verbal communication. otherwise if there is no communication. there is no relationship.
she is on my contact list, she is there. but she is busy most of the time. and she does not respond most of the time.

i feel we have drifited apart. so far apart that we may never beable to drift back togeather.

i understand her life is busy, i get it, i also get that i have been a support for her in the past, but now that she has grown up she can now handle life on her own.  and i feel she does not need me anymore. but i still need her.

if the puzzle is too hard...

i turn down the difficulty level till i get the level that i can beat the game. then slowly turn up the level till i am at the point that i can have fun with the game. i know i have been finding the game of life too hard.

so when i came to god i told him to turn the difficulty level down. and he did.  but he has been turning the difficulty level up ever so slowly that i have noticed it going up.

God has been kind to me. mainly because ,he has a purpose to my life other wise i would be dead already.

but i see a test coming. one that i have studied for. but i am no where near ready for.

i ask him to remove me before i have to make the choice. as i feel i will have to make the choice that will take me away from him if i have to make it. yet i know what i have to do when i am confronted with this choice.

it is going to be the toughest choice i will ever have to make.

i will make my choice now but i do not know how i will get through it. but i know i will try. since i have no other choice.

"Black Murky Water" dream. i now know what it meant.

CJ is no longer in my future. but if she wanted me in hers she will have to read this last effort on my behalf.

i no longer have dreams or visions of her in my life but she is not forgotten.

what i am saying is she will no longer be considered by me as a possible friend regardless...

ever since i was 17 i had visions of a certain female that would enter my life but never become my friend.

i knew i would obsess about this female. even go as far as having a conversation as someone else with her. but never actually clicking with this female. the next female that entered my life after i was rejected by Nevada i would fall for and never actually be a friend to.

i know now that was CJ. 

i for 9 years have been obsessing about her. and only in the last 2 years have been able to get my mind off her, and on other more important things like the Rapture and God, one of witch who has who gave me that revelation in the first place.

knowing that she married someone else was the break i was looking for. the catalyst that broke the mold of what was a paradigm i needed to free my self from.

but why do i still linger on this subject? she made an impact in my life. one i was warned about. and one i could not free myself from. but it was a tool that God used on me to prove to me that when he makes a promise about the future and you try to fight it. it will prove you cannot beat the creator of the game at the game he made himself.

if you want to play a game and you find the game easy at first, be careful because you might find your self next to a pool of black murky water. that if your not careful you might just get thrown into.

7 year cycle has restarted. get it right this time support staff.

i am having another phycotic break because i know that my life is in danger.

my symtoms are:

paranoid delusions
headacke
sweatyness after being outside in -43 degree weather for half a minute

voices in my head telling me all that i am doing wrong and no constructive criticisim
insomnia
jaw pain(unrelated)
 tiredness


i am telling you this Amanda because you are the only one other then my family who knows me longer then anyone i am working with or is on my support staff. but your life is in danger and i have been putting this off because i need to know if you think i am Crazy or you believe me when i say you need to get farther away from both coast lines. because an astroid is going to hit the atlantic ocean.

you have untill the last blood moon to move.

i am crazy, or i  am a prophet. i cannot be both.

i know i am not both.

Life is Strange

a new gem i found while watching a lets play video. i think it has potental as a good game. while i put  70 minutes into it today. and i found it has lot's of replay value. since i have played just a little of it and wish i had the same power that this girl has. but hey it is just a game.

yet another dream.

i had a dream a few days ago that i have not forgotten about in the last few days. but i knew it had importance because it felt real and i was in Martensville in this dream, yet again. this time i was not heard in this dream but nevertheless it made sense.

someone had the bright idea to do a nuclear test on the moon. or maybe a test or explosion on a moon like asteroid. but regardless it was a dumb move. because shortly after this explosion a tidal wave at least 1 kilometer high came crashing in. shortly before waking.

i say this now because i know that even though i feel i will return to Martensville i know it is only as a visit. or after something big happens and i have no reason to return to Saskatoon. but i know i will reside in Saskatoon until my main reason becomes apparent.

Freedom. i take it not for granted. others do.

i know that i will die this year and i am not looking forward to it. but i know that others who see God and see that he had to evolve just to fit the paradigm of him not fitting into their big-bang theory calls me a heretic just because i believe that Jesus is God,  has a lot of pieces of the wrong puzzle in the puzzle that he is trying to put together. by asking the wrong questions about God. and not liking the answers i had for him.  one being that Jesus is God.

he then slaps a label on me saying that i believe in "modealisam" (not sure about the spelling of the word because i never heard the word ever since then until now.) and also calls me a heretic just because i am unable to explain away Jesus as being more than the son of God. but is God himself.

without explaining that when i was 17 i saw Jesus in the clouds as a direct and last favor filled request to him to show me that my faith was not in vain.

i figured that i was never going to explain to him that if i did have nothing to give him i would at least tell him that the puzzle he was trying to put together was not fitting his paradigm because he had the wrong puzzle started in the first place. and if the puzzle was ever to be completed he must first take the original puzzle and be willing to throw it away in order for the truth to make sense like i did when i was 17.

a typical response i found to the last 2 heretics i have tried to talk to said they had "questions." that i was able to answer each of. but the only difference between this one and the last one was the fact that i kept my visions out of the conversation this time as my "proof."

and i used my scientific knowledge as my proof.

i knew that if i was not going to convince him i did not have to.  Because God was going to reward me just for speaking up on his behalf. when apparently no one else did.

And let me remind you Jesus is GOD and his HOLY SPIRIT is interchangeable with son and father. and is the same thing as the trinity.

If i marry her...

without trying to get a closer bond, i feel i will ruin a just recently reestablished relationship.

 i have to time my steps carefully.

i will bring this matter before the throne of God but if i bring this matter too her knowledge before she is ready to accept it i know that i will lose all i have tried to gain.

but to ask her to wait another 7 years is both unfair and foolish on my part.

and the way the world scene is going i feel i may not have the time i once did.

things are moving just a little faster than expected but some things are taking longer than usual. it's just that the things that matter are are what are moving faster than expected, and what i want are taking longer than usual.

before i reestablished communication  with Amanda i had a dream that she was here in Saskatchewan. that is what i saw. if that dream was true then i know how much time after the fact, i have left.


because in the same dream i saw my death at the hands of a Nephilim before waking.

2015

an uneventfull new year. that is what i am praying for this year. but i also feel that, it will not happen. as i feel that this year will be even more eventful year then 2014. i am hopeing that i will see a friend turn to God, that has not all his life. but that is only wishful thinking.

I also hope that the Rapture will happen this year. but i have my doubts. as like most date setters the rapture did not happen for them and i am not getting on a band wagon just because it fits what i understand. or if the music suthes the soul. i could be wrong and the odds are closer then not.

Fear not, Dear Amanda.

it's not you Amanda. it's me. i have had not much to say to you. it's not worth it to digup the past. but everytime i make a move it leads us being further apart. your effort has not been going unnoticed but is unknown as what i can do to bring us closer togeather. other than saying keep trying. just to know that your there is all i need at this time.

Just Friends

Amanda and i have reestablished communication but she does not talk to me as much as we did before, the time before, i said we where more then friends on facebook. it was apparent that i was moving too fast and because of that our relationship soured.

but like sour candy it is still desirable. just not in the abundance it once had. but at the least it is still there.

it is just that i do not know how to proceed.  my situation is still volatile and making the wrong move could end the relationship once again.

so i am going to act like a friend and nothing else towards her for now. since i know that is just what she wants from me now.

good friends. till the end. whenever that is. hopefully never.

Fight for the right.

it is a battle to keep alive somthing that has been, and for a while has not been, well. but patience is a two way game. you can ask for patience from someone but you have to be just as patient in those who you ask to be patient with you.

a few months ago i had a vision of a possable future. what i saw was frightening but who i saw was not. it is what kept my hope alive.

we have yet to have the talk that will re-enforce our relationship, but i feel that conversation we are about to have will determin weather the visions i have had are going to pass are true or not.

i know your there.

i know your there. just please don't be afraid of contacting me. you will find that i am a very forgiving person. why do you stand at a distance but do come to visit me in my thoughts and feelings?

i need someone in my life, i have been alone ever since you abandoned our relationship. i have been hoping you would return. i can see that you visit my blog every so often. i have been glad that you still care. but i ask that you give me another chance.

i will not act desprate because i know that is a turn off.  but i will plead that if you still find me worth reading about i will ask that you drop me a line.  my skype address is still the same,  if i re-add you to my skype will you talk with me some more?

we have known each other for almost 9 years, i hope we will still be friends for another 9 years and more.

is she afraid of me?

could that be the reason i never found the woman that i have been searching for.  lies... all lies.

i have been searching for not just a pretty face but a face that will keep her focus on me. or at least for 7 years.

Amanda fitted that bill.  but she never came back after i told her that she was third in line. third only to two females that are now married to other people.

will Amanda ever return to my life or am i a lost cause in her books.

if she would rather hear me say that she is priority one when in truth at the time she was not. may of been why she left me, when all i needed was another year of her time.

i now know that when she promised that she would wait forever if needed was a lie.

i may never find my true soul mate, but i know i will never find her unless she comments on this entry like i did on Amanda's blog when her mother died.

it is true i broke Amanda's heart, but Amanda never stuck around long enough for me to keep my promise to her.

she kinda was a safety net when i made a leap of faith.

now all i am is a mess on the floor.

another month another broken heart.

boy do i know how to break them.  i don't know how to mend them once broken. most hearts i know have never mended after broken.  it turns out i am a heart breaker. i can even break the heart of the creator. i don't do it on purpose. i do it because i don't know how to do any better. hearts are a fragile component of the soul. but is a hard part to mend once broken. what i want is a heart that can take a beating but keeps on ticking. pun intended.(edit 1/25/15: or one that still beats after a long time of ticking of a clock is the implied pun)

most of the hearts i have broken i know are hearts of rejection. hearts i have rejected because i knew i would never be with them. the reason i would not be with them is because i had a glimpse into the future and i did not see them in my vision of the future.

but like Nicolas Cage in the movie "Next" states. "once you look into the future it changes. because you looked at it, and that makes all the difference"

volitile

that is what my current situation is.

knowing that the promise of being patent yet knowing that i may not have tomorrow. i feel that i may never find her, the she that compleats me.

for 8 years i thought that amanda was that light.but i snuffed that light like a candle. and the light shined no more. i lost the beakon that had lighted my hopes and desires.

for 14 years i feared falling in love.

untill i found the perfect female to fall for.

because i knew i would never be with her.

but because of the way i felt for her

i knew she would full fill the desires of my hopes and dreams

it just turns out i was wrong. i pushed away someone who had been there ever since i fell for this female.

it turns out that because i knew that this female would never be with me, she fitted the prophecy to a "T"

it turns out that it was every female in that time period that was in that time that i pursued CJ.

God Knows who Mrs Ryan Harrison is. and i feel that she will enter my life willingly knowing that i want to drop my baggage at the door.

a friend of mine, (who i hope to become a close friend in the future,) has told me that the hole in my life will be filled with the woman who God knows will be the perfect match for me.

he,God, just told me that i will have to wait a month for every girl who's heart i have broken. untill i reach the time that i require before i meet her. starting today.

turns out i broke alot of hearts. and i will faithfuly wait the extra time before Mrs Ryan Harrison enters my life.

Thank you Todd Friel

because of him he ignited a passion to get past this hump in my life and help my friend in the process. i will not say what the sin was or what the problem was, but i just wanted to say that the program i listened to helped me out of a jam i was in where god started talking to me again.

i know it was him and i cannot prove it was him but i know it was him. regardless what athiests will say. i am not ashamed of talking to god and he inturn is not ashamed to talk to me.  i know that i will probaly be put on another med but hey, if you had the chance to talk to your parrrents before they died would you try to get them saved?

God wants me not to worry about what ever he wants, but what he commands me to obey when i am being lead astray.
 
so that when i do come back he is there for me, as he always will be there and help me over the humps before i get past those vallys. before i make it to my last hill, my goal.

open letter to God

it may never leave my mind but when it does. i get a re enforceing dream, or a hulcination of her on the bus or even a song that reminds me of her plays on the radio.

i just need more time.  it will never leave my mind. someone is praying against me and is keeping me from forgetting her.

i know because i have not been praying as much as this person who does not want me to forget her.

so i am going to make an open letter to God asking him to let me move on. if this does not work then the person who is praying against me is higher on God's food chain.

"Dear Lord,

"as you know i have been struggling about thoughts about a certin female.  these thoughts i feel are Demonic in nature. as i know i have not moved on because i still have demonic dreams and demonic visions of her and i becoming friends. i know that these visions are not from you. and i know you want what i want, and that is for me to let go. with your help i can achive this goal.

"i need your help, i have been struggling with this, and i feel i am going to lose the battle against these deamons because these deamons also flood my inbox with pornagraphic pictures of girls who "claim" to want me. and i have no idea of who they are.

"because of this i feel i may never beable to get past this phase in my life. and i know that this phase of my life is not over.

"help me move on from this past event in my life. i have been struggleing with these thoughts and i feel it might go beyond just thoughts if not resloved.

"i know since you are the creator of life you can also change what you have created.

"change me,
 in jesus' name i pray.
amen.

Can Dreams Reveal the future. or does it show the condition of our hearts?

Last night i had a very troubling dream. i dreamed that CJ had forgiven me and in turn i forgave her in this dream. but in this dream i was not looking for her. she found me.  i know in real life she would never forgive me. because i know that i made an effort to bury the hatchet. but that hatchet in reality never existed untill she discovered that i had a few words to say against her.

i know it is too late to think romanticly towards her and the dream was anything but.

but if i could just move on and not be reminded of her i will in fact, be come happy.

but the truth is i am happy. i knew that i would never be with her and i was right about that. but she is still out there. and she is still remembering me and i am remembering her.  but because of this she refuses to seek me out. but if she ever does. i will not turn my back on her.

i just won't look at her.

Ouch

Money is going to be tight this month.with an unforseen cost. my laptop just bit the dust. and needs the screen replaced. and because that will cost me more than i have i will have to pay it when i get paid next  month. fortunatly it is GST check month. so i should be able to pay it before the end of the next month.

How Does she see me after all these years?

i got a letter from Facebook asking if i know a whole bunch of people. and at the top of that list was "Nevada Bryn McKenzie."

i do know of her. i do know that whenever i stumble across her blog she abandons it. i do know that someone from where she moved to periodically looks back at the old domain that i claimed after she abandoned it. i do know that her current blog she also abandoned.

i have a feeling that because of the way i acted in high school just before i became stable (after i was medicated, to which she has never seen). my medicated side she has not seen and she still sees me the way i was before i flipped out.

because it was the last year at high school. and she graduated 2 years before i was able to. because of my illness.

i wish i could have a do over with her. but like i said on her domain.  "new year new chances new people. must put old news in old recycle bin and empty it before it gets old."

i have never felt more distant from someone that i have her.

even though i do not want to i tend to alienate those females i care about the most. mainly because i am alienated  by them once they see my illness.  mainly because they don't know how to treat me and they are afraid they will "set me off"

that is the exact reason i cannot fall in love again.

what they have to realize is, i don't have a trigger to my illness (other than stress). as it is a gradual illness.  seeing it develops over time. and i can control it. until i let go of my struggle. and let it take over. that is what i did in the last year of high school. i let go.

that is why i flipped out in that last year of high school. i could not fight it any more. fortunately i was diagnosed and treated and [partially] cured.

i still have the illness and i still fight it. but the fight is easier then it was when i just let go.

unfortunately women seem to trigger the fight and i do still try to fight it. but love makes it harder. because i am thinking of something that does not make sense. and something that makes things harder for me to control. if i can wrap my head around it and it makes logical sense i do in fact master it and i stop thinking about it.

but love i have not mastered and i will never be able to wrap my head around it.

Future dream?

so i had a dream of the future yesterday. my future. i know it was just a dream, but it made all the other dreams i had make sence. i am not going into the details other than saskatoon and martensville where joined. and on gps if you want to goto down town saskatoon it was north of martensville. this did not make sence while i was dreaming it. unless you look at another dream i had 7 years ago. where a nuclear bomb went off south west of saskatoon.

but like i said. it was just a dream. but it put all the other dreams in perspective. like why i was living in martensville in the last 3 dreams i remember. even though i once lived in martensville as a kid. but live in saskatoon today. and on that same gps i punched in my current address an got a location does not exist error. that is what scared me.

but it was just a dream a vivid and non lucid dream.

Will Amanda ever return, or will i never see the light of day?

is it because now she has no competition that she decides to leave my life? i have not heard from Amanda in over 7 months. i still think about her. i want her to return to my life but i do not know how to keep her in my life.  not only am i not successful in the dating area, but i do not even try. because i know that unless they come to me it is not worth it to come to them.

Why Does My paranoia raise whenever i take the bus?

it's odd. i get this feeling that i am being watched. and because of this watcher is relaying what i know to someone else. who in turn is waiting to spy on me when i take the bus.

but that is my illness talking. i for the last 6 months have not taken the bus.

and the day i do... i have been hoping that i do not see her or her husband. but i do.  fortunately not on the same bus as me. just at the two terminals i visited. on my way to my boss's place to work.

the thing is i cannot tell the difference between something imaged and something real. unless the thing that is real acknowledges the thing that is imagined.

it is the same demons that are on the bus that take over and make me paranoid.  but then again it's just my illness.

my faith, is being tested

the lord will put the worst before you just before he blesses you. with trials and temptation. but not in that order.  there's always a calm before the storm, but theres always a calm once the storm has also passed.

right now i feel that a storm is coming. as i am being tested.  it's just that the last few tests i have failed. or so i think. but i do not know.

it's calm now but that will soon change.

Vanna? can i get an "L" please? Love. life, can it get any darker? give me a light please.

what do women want? and do i care if i give it to them anymore?  i have mental health issues and that is why i do  not need to think of things like this anymore.  it makes me ill just thinking about this. i should count my chickens since they have already hatched. and they ARE full grown hens by now. i also know that i am nolonger able to have children any more. that is what satan wanted and that is what i am granting him over my life.  i am not letting him have my happiness aswell. that is what CJ took from me, since i knew she would marry someone else i got it back from her.  now with no regrets in thinking and knowing it would never happen. i was right about her. but then there is Amanda. a girl who said she would always be there for me.  i added a year to the time she had left to wait. because i did not know that it would take another year before she, CJ, married some one else and i also now know she, amanda, could not wait another year for me and got impatient with  me and left me in the dark.

untill just recently.  someone from her neck of the woods visited my blog on the 6th. i am just hoping it is not over any more. but a man can dream dreams and have visions.

i now know how i will die.  it is just a question of when.

Sure Do miss ya DAD.

if only i could tell him that i reignighted my passion for model trains. and as i was growing up, knowing now, full well, that he knew that my likes where computers more than trains, but he knew i had always had an imaginaton for trains..

i was just thinking if i could of shown my current train set to him. and would he of been proud of me, but too little too late. but if i do do it it will be done as a dedication to him.

but like always if you want to see what i am up too in my time off from work loo at my blog "ryan and trains" in my profile.

new blog.

so i started a new blog today. it is going to be a photo journal about my new hobby. Toy Trains. visit my blogger profile for a link to it. if your intrested that is.

i am switching hobbies.

Games and computers have taken most of my child and adult life. i have had a good run with them.  but there is nothing i have had a fasination with longer than other than, its with trains. in a film that my parrents recorded when i was just 1 years or so, old i was looking out the window to watch a train go by.

at the time we where living in clavet.

but this is before i can remember.

but my fasination with trains has never died. it just got eclipced by nintendo and computer games. and women.

now i think that eclips is over.

i am going back to my root fasinaton with the recent purchase of a train catalog.

don't get me wrong, i love computers, it' just that i am not going to put as much money into them as i am going to put into rail roads and model trains

2 bloody feet.

after stepping on a stone it took me just 2 minutes to realize my right foot was bleeding. an oddity that i cannot explain other than saying that it...  was a message from god saying "pay attention" or get hurt more.  i realize that because i have not been focusing On CJ that i have not been blogging at all since i have been sleeping most of the time.

i need to wake up and look around. but coming out of my shell is not as easy as others might think it is.

because after coming out of my shell and looking around just made me realize that there is the possibility that i hurt someone and thus hurt my chances with the one type of woman i am attracted to. why?

knowing that she could be any one of those females i realized that if i did hurt her and if i did hurt my chances with any that look like her because i go into the same downward spiral when ever i do succeed in putting her in my past painfully by not thinking about them or shutting them out of my life completely.

one day just before i decided not to let my fears manifest i said something to one of these illusions that i have been having.  she took her ear buds out of her ears and said "huh?" to me.  so i repeated my self.  but since i was getting nowhere with a simple illusion i stopped the conversation since i knew she had other things on  her mind. then talking to me. 

untill 3 minutes later.

you see,

she looked exactly like her, and i thought to my self that it is not her. and she is just a stranger who had no intentions of ever talking to me.

some background of this encounter:

winter had just started, and a blizzard had started. i asked this person if the number 2 or the number one was coming next.

i had no intentions of ever starting a conversation with this female. because i knew exactly where it would lead at that time, but the thing is i told myself if i can start a conversation with her, i, at least, was not at fault, if none occurred.

so i tried. and just like i thought none occurred..

but at least i broke out of my shell.

only to put myself back into it.

you see this illusion that i tried to converse with looked at me for half a second before we got on the bus. because i was standing behind her. thinking what if this was her. at least if i stand behind her she cannot see me unless she wants to, AND SO I CAN AVOID EYE CONTACT.

but some would say i was looking too much into this.

until i was under spiritual attack.

the entity was telling me that i needed to make an apology letter to her. and i needed tell her that i was sorry for the wrongs i committed against her. or i would not go to heaven. i gave into this entity and started writing my apology letter, but than just before i was able to save the letter notepad8 crashed. and i lost the letter, one, i have no intentions of ever re-writing.  because i know now i was under attack because this entity had told another female to meet me at the burger king that i would be having at a supper time the next time i would be out of the house.

that is how i knew i was under attack. the previous day and i knew i did not have to write another letter until she writes one to me. and thus i will not.

i know i was having a delusion because this girl who i saw at the burger king that day after i lost that letter was only seen by me. the other 3 people who where there, did not see her, when i asked afterwards if they saw her.

but alas being a schizophrenic is not the easiest of illness to have. not knowing what is real and what is not. or so they keep telling me.

let's just declare this now. if she wants something from me she will write me back or i can  safely continue to brush her under the rug of my existence. and try once more to move on.

ouch

all is quiet in my life only after i rip a hole in my foot after tripping over some wires beside my computer. don't worry my computer is fine but i must of stepped on something that ripped a hole in my foot.   it only bled a little for about 30 minutes after. and a chunk of dead skin i had to rip off after words. it is just painful to walk again but other than that it there is nothing new to report.

Testing my patience?

here is a test, if i Email CJ before she does me then that means i lost the battle i am currently fighting. it has been half a year since i last emailed her and i know i can last at least a year.

here is the kicker, if i do see her again it will be against my will. and i will choose to flat out ignore her.  if i see her in public, why?

i want to move on.

but the thing is i don't know what to move on to. i have nothing to move on to.  i have been fighting this urge for the last 8 months.

what do i want to say to her?

nothing good.

Can i ever forgive CJ?

that is the big question i have. but what is it that she did?  it's not what she did it is what she didn't do.  OK what did she not do? 

if i go into details of what she did not do i will have to say, every thing that goes against the grain of how i wanted a woman to treat me. unfortunately i have this idea that if i ever was treated right by CJ it would become a miracle that did the reverse of how i expected to be treated by her.

it's the miracles that keep me hanging on.  CJ did a few things right. but it is too late for me to pursue her.  but pursuing her is not what i want to do at this time.  at this time i want to forgive her. And move on.

was it her that i saw at the burger king yesterday?  i could not tell but i did not bother to look either.  i know she is married to someone else and that is why i never will talk to her. i never will try even to gaze into her beautiful eyes.  i will treat her like Medusa,  and avoid eye contact.

but can i forgive her?

i just do not know.

i want to. but it is hard to tell her that i do.

Who will replace Amanda in my life.

sure, i'm depressed when i started writing this. 

CJ is married, just like i knew she would be, i know she never considered me. she is happy, i must admit that.

i had this delusion that if i treated her, like she was less than me that she would look up to me. like i looked up to her because she treated me less than her.

give her a taste of her own medicine.

i know why. we never clicked.

i ran away before i was ever on her radar.  i was this "strange"er.

i also had this delusion that she might of cared. but i know that is not true now.  she would of written me back instead of calling me a stalker.

i thus gave her 4 conditions that she must fulfill before i was to forget her and move on. one of witch i had trouble fulfilling myself.

those conditions are.

that she would marry someone else.
that she would have a child to someone else
that 7 years would pass before i could desolve the bond between me and her.
that i would have someone else in my life to replace her.


apparently now the last condition is not there. and never will be.

3 of 4.

Make a difference? become who you are born to become? Or...

be happy?

i was hopping for all three.


if only CJ got married when she was supposed to instead of when she did.

let's just say she is now all three. but i am still haunted by her.

her legacy.  her choice. her efforts.

all went noticed.  i, on the other hand, did not.

Until it was too late. and i moved to Alberta.

her fate was sealed. no matter how hard i hit that looking glass i could not break it in time.

i lost Amanda because i lost the ability to pear into the future.  because it was a gift that was taken back by the one who gave it to me. at a time that i was in a junction in my life and i wanted to choose her for reasons that i could not look forward too, because i could not see farther than 2012. and becuase of this i could not estimate or make plans that involoved someone who i thought would beable to second guess my intentions.

the plans that he has for my life are that i don't know any more. as to why it is just lingering on and on, i do not know.  when is the stupid Rapture going to happen? and am i ready for it?

or is he just preparing our hearts for a life that involves the most patient of people.  those who die waiting for something that he knows will not happen until the looking glass is broken, and shards are cutting red on the floor from our bloody feet.

or is it our fists that are bloody? from trying too hard.

when growing up i was living a double life.  one that involved me being the mentor to 4 of the most beautiful girls in the same grade as me. and the other where i meant nothing to them.

i never realized that this world was going on around me out side of my shell. i never cared for this world until i was medicated for the first time... around the time i wanted to merge the two worlds. and become the world to 4 girls.

i know i never will try for woman number 4 and that is why i thought Amanda was woman 3.

i realize now the blood is not from my fists trying to break down the wall that CJ erected between us. but it was a hemorrhage from my skull trying to break out of my own shell.

Can't let a good guy down.

Due to a whole lot of network issues at home i have not been blogging as much as i wanted to in the last month.  after losing contact with amanda, i found that all i care about now is the Rapture. but knowing that it could not happen in my life time is what is currently depressing me.

i feel that there is somthing i must do before it happens. or even so. somthing must happen to me before it happens is anotherthing that i feel must happen before it happens.

can you wrap your head around that one?

i know there have been predictions after predictions of when it or if it takes place. but i know i will be apart of it or die just before it.  but i have made predictions before about my death. but have turned up emtey.

but i can feel my body failing ever since i had my gull bladder removed. and i know that all the background radiation that i know i am exposed to will either kill me or make me stronger.

i do not want to go back to SAC since i had a vision about being there that i do not want to come true. but ever since i lost my job at C4K i know it will be a pressure to go back there.

What a great time i am having at my mom's place this christmas.

things where going great untill my 94 yo grandother told me that i was fat.  it was not that she said i was fat but the way she said it, not only insulted me but it also insulted my caregiver.

i was just about to just let the comment pass off my back like water off a duck's back.

but she was persisting to remind me that i was over weight. by saying that her kniting needle was bent because i sat on it.

that ticked me off so much that i told her that she crushed it her self with her ego.


to that she replied that i had a "big mouth"

let's just say she is a stupid button pusher.  since she get's off by insulting everyone.

i told my mom that i will not tolorate verble abuse.

that is when i found out she does  it because it makes her feel good by bringing someone down to her level.

it's a no wonder Grampa left this world 16 years ago.  and that she never got remarried ever since.

he problaly could not stand her and wanted out of his "till death do we part" deal.

heaven knows that i want to punch her in the nose like i did to the last person who insulted me like her.


the scary part is that she is living in saskatoon now and she is just a small bus ride away.

since she is now incompatent and  cannot live on her own anymore she is living in a oldfolks care home.

i figure if she dies before she turns 95 i will not cry. i will rejoice.

Why they are so strong in my mind.

mainly because i was suffering from psychosis at the time i fell for them. fortunately for both of them the effect that they had on my mind was released when i found out they where married to someone else. i just wish i could find someone who i felt as strong about that also felt as strong about me. a man can dream can't he. but it is when those dreams start effecting his reality that they become dangerous.

Wow.

the post before this one sure set off alot of traffic on to my blogs in general. i am shocked that little old me is interesting enough to get 19 hits on this blog alone. that is more than i expected. i did not think that anyone cared that i found a loophole in my previous thinking and i posted it in the post prior to this one.  yay. someone out there cares.

Who am i? a follower of patterns.

Faith in what is, is easy. but you know faith in what is to come is hard. it deals with things that you cannot control. but if you see a trend that is and it does not happen the same way every time you cannot use it to look into the future. but if it always happens the same way you can set your watch to it.

i may of over looked something that i cannot control.

Amanda.

i know i have trusted in a faith that is no longer there. 

but that faith did not come from the same faith that i have in God. i have more faith in God than i ever did that i had in Amanda. so much that it blinded me from the failing of our relationship.

i felt that my relationship with Amanda was an escape from my reality that i could not acquire my hope that i was wrong about CJ.  but because i was right about her i was wrong about Amanda. that she would still be there for me when she, CJ got married to someone else.

but i now now that she is just like any other relationship i had during these two times. that i was told about by god in a vision i got when i was 17. when i asked about my future.

i now play my trump card.

when i was 7 i was given my first "prophecy" that my love line on my hand splits into 2 branches. and it had a large split in the later line close to the end. it singled that i would fall for 2 women. at a time. i know not that it would be a blond and a redhead at the same time.

i know, i am now entering a time for the third phase of my life starts when i find my next love. a blond and a redhead.

i discovered Amanda at and around the time i first fell for CJ. and  Nevada around the time i also fell for her friend Michelle.  but i only need 2 women in my life to count and make the whole puzzle fit.

with this Revelation i now know i have someone in my future. but i now know there is hope. even if Amanda is not in my future. because she is now apart of my past.

there where also my pre vision post puberty relationships. Sheri and Andrea. and every thing else fits once more.

so i am resetting my watch, and i am looking for my tribulation Girl friends if i know what is comming..