What a great time i am having at my mom's place this christmas.

things where going great untill my 94 yo grandother told me that i was fat.  it was not that she said i was fat but the way she said it, not only insulted me but it also insulted my caregiver.

i was just about to just let the comment pass off my back like water off a duck's back.

but she was persisting to remind me that i was over weight. by saying that her kniting needle was bent because i sat on it.

that ticked me off so much that i told her that she crushed it her self with her ego.


to that she replied that i had a "big mouth"

let's just say she is a stupid button pusher.  since she get's off by insulting everyone.

i told my mom that i will not tolorate verble abuse.

that is when i found out she does  it because it makes her feel good by bringing someone down to her level.

it's a no wonder Grampa left this world 16 years ago.  and that she never got remarried ever since.

he problaly could not stand her and wanted out of his "till death do we part" deal.

heaven knows that i want to punch her in the nose like i did to the last person who insulted me like her.


the scary part is that she is living in saskatoon now and she is just a small bus ride away.

since she is now incompatent and  cannot live on her own anymore she is living in a oldfolks care home.

i figure if she dies before she turns 95 i will not cry. i will rejoice.

Why they are so strong in my mind.

mainly because i was suffering from psychosis at the time i fell for them. fortunately for both of them the effect that they had on my mind was released when i found out they where married to someone else. i just wish i could find someone who i felt as strong about that also felt as strong about me. a man can dream can't he. but it is when those dreams start effecting his reality that they become dangerous.

Wow.

the post before this one sure set off alot of traffic on to my blogs in general. i am shocked that little old me is interesting enough to get 19 hits on this blog alone. that is more than i expected. i did not think that anyone cared that i found a loophole in my previous thinking and i posted it in the post prior to this one.  yay. someone out there cares.

Who am i? a follower of patterns.

Faith in what is, is easy. but you know faith in what is to come is hard. it deals with things that you cannot control. but if you see a trend that is and it does not happen the same way every time you cannot use it to look into the future. but if it always happens the same way you can set your watch to it.

i may of over looked something that i cannot control.

Amanda.

i know i have trusted in a faith that is no longer there. 

but that faith did not come from the same faith that i have in God. i have more faith in God than i ever did that i had in Amanda. so much that it blinded me from the failing of our relationship.

i felt that my relationship with Amanda was an escape from my reality that i could not acquire my hope that i was wrong about CJ.  but because i was right about her i was wrong about Amanda. that she would still be there for me when she, CJ got married to someone else.

but i now now that she is just like any other relationship i had during these two times. that i was told about by god in a vision i got when i was 17. when i asked about my future.

i now play my trump card.

when i was 7 i was given my first "prophecy" that my love line on my hand splits into 2 branches. and it had a large split in the later line close to the end. it singled that i would fall for 2 women. at a time. i know not that it would be a blond and a redhead at the same time.

i know, i am now entering a time for the third phase of my life starts when i find my next love. a blond and a redhead.

i discovered Amanda at and around the time i first fell for CJ. and  Nevada around the time i also fell for her friend Michelle.  but i only need 2 women in my life to count and make the whole puzzle fit.

with this Revelation i now know i have someone in my future. but i now know there is hope. even if Amanda is not in my future. because she is now apart of my past.

there where also my pre vision post puberty relationships. Sheri and Andrea. and every thing else fits once more.

so i am resetting my watch, and i am looking for my tribulation Girl friends if i know what is comming..

post party thoughts

after the great party that i had at Davids place as i was trying to fall asleep i started thinking that i know now why i will never get over her. and why i am doomed never to be with a female.  growing up with 3 women (my mom and 2 sisters) i realize they do not know how a male is meant to act if they have no brothers them selves.  my downfall is the fact i never was good at decoding subtle hints that they (women) give off. because i always thought that when they say something they are referring to something else.but they are able to be decoded. because they are also making the key to what they want known to those who they want the information available.

i knew CJ was paying attention to what she was receiving that week just before i left the council 8 years ago. but she did not want me to know that she was paying attention. untill i stopped caring.

i remember when Tanya the messenger told me that CJ would never read that letter that i sent her,
 but the thing is i knew she wold say that because i was able to decode that error in judgement because it followed the code that i had decoded just before the code was changed.

a code that i finally but to late'ly cracked. today. after further analysis i realized she was afraid of me. just like Nevada was. but i did not see the connection until now.  what i realize is CJ had other plans. those plans never involved me. because she did not know me. it was not until i sent her that 7 page letter that i was never on her radar. but i have been on it ever since. but not as a green dot but a red one.

you see that is code for. she knows me now. but not in a good way.

i know that the following Friday, even if i am wrong about this oh-well, she tried to phone me. she had gotten my phone number from Kelly. and she was too afraid to say a word to me. just like me to her. because when i picked up the phone there was no one there on the other end.

of course i cannot add with out a doubt that this is all my illness talking. but if it was her. she then married someone who never made her feel what i did to her.

but the truth is because i cannot stop thinking about her i have blown it with Amanda because i did not keep my promise to Amanda.

visions and reflections on the past.

so i saw a YouTube video today that finally fits all the visions i had for the last 8 years. and now that i look at it from this new perspective i know it is inevitable as to why i fear the 4th number in my life. 4 is always the hardest thing i had to face in my life and 4 is also the hardest thing that i could not live without.

i never in my life, wanted to fall in love with a girl who never loved me back. i never wanted to be with a girl who even if things got rough would turn away and run into the arms off another man just because i loved her.

Today God gave me a realization that i am not here to fall in love but to warn others that the time is closer than you might think, to the inevitable. that the ones you love are not going to be there for you forever. and those who love you. only do it because they have something to gain from you. and once that love is gone so are they.

people who you love will turn on you and cause your life force to be sniffed out sooner than you think. the theory of looking out for your fellow man is going to change to how much more can you get if you betray them just because they made you choose between them and someone you cared about and someone who you value more.

i am not going to worry about this life any more. i am going to prepare for my death because i know that those who love me will turn on me and betray me at the last moment that they lose their comfort in our relationship.

i knew how Nevada felt when i first stuffed that first letter in her locker. someone who was not as popular as you has a crush on you and that person also smells bad and has poor hygiene.

you would feel "ewe gross"

you would keep your distance from this person.

you would never talk about this person and you would never even think of writing him back.

but once you found out that this person has a mental illness that would explain why he does the things or chooses not to do these things you would reject this person further. until he just gives up on you and finds another to focus on once he found out you where married to another man.

you see, i know where i went wrong. but it is not my fault. it never was.  it was yours Nevada. you failed the test that God did to you through me.

and then there is CJ.  my experiment.  to see if she would fail the exact same test that God preformed on Nevada through me.

a relationship that was doomed to fail from day one. but i know that it would of been the hardest one to let go of once i knew and figured out. but that test failed because i was focused on more than one woman at that time.

another popular girl with a lot of friends. and i noticed that she thinks differently of me once i used the same exact method i used on Nevada. but instead of being kind and complementary i was truthful and harsh.

because i just busted her bubble that shielded her from the rest of the world. i know even though she does not give me credit, she would not be married if it was not for the letters i sent her. because she got married just to get me off her back. because of the burden i placed on her heart.

and then there is Amanda. the one woman who i did nothing but write her. as an escape from reality. someone who had flaws. but i loved more that i would let my self believe. but like every other woman  in my life she too was worried what others would think about me then about her.

once she heard my voice the relationship turned sour and her bubble that she was trapped in burst and i fell out of her life.

if i ever fall in love again i want it to be someone who... well i never want to fall in love again. period.

i thought i was finaly in the clear.

The patience that i thought i had to endure before i was able to become free from the pain that is no more than just the precursor to bigger things. 

Sure CJ is married and i am still having illusions of her. but i know that that is just what it is, illusions.

so the other day someone from Amanda's neck of the woods came and visited my blog. but she only visited the blog that is searchable on Google. and never visited this blog.  to bad i guess. since i was able and knowing of how i could of given her all my attention. but i know she does not want my attention or she would of fought harder than she did. but i would of tried harder to keep her in my life. but the best i could do was forgive her for "Dumping" me before. i could do the same for neglect but like Tina once told me before she gave me a hug, "the baby that is never touched, dies."

Great.

Not only did Amanda not notice that i have not been talking about the girl i used to talk about in over 4 months but she did not even notice that i deleted her off my skype and messenger and contact list because of the neglect that i feel from her. it is like as soon as i was able to change focus off of that other female on to her i realize that if i focus on a particular Girl. that girl either resents me or flat out ignores me. the only thing i know how to do is ignore back. i do that well. and i will start to do that if that is what she wants from me.

I am goin to have to assume...

that Amanda has given up on me.

i have not given up on her.  but she is not giving solid proof that she still thinks about me. i forgave her for the last fight we had she even said that she was happy that i had forgiven her. but i have told her that she was third in line. and to this she did not like me as much after words.

and ever since i told her this she abandoned our relationship.

i know that i have set married women before her and for this reason i do not even get hits on my blog from her area of the country. 


but once a woman is married to another guy i consider them "dead" to me.

because they have set in stone who they want to be with. and who they care for the most.

the 2 women i set before Amanda was my high school crush and the next woman i fell for once i found out she, my crush, had married someone else.

i fell in love with Amanda once i saw i light at the end of a long tunnel that i consider as my rebound relationship with the High school crush. and i knew that rebound relationships don't survive.

but i found out was that rebound relationships do not survive if they happen in conjunction with a relation with another. they can be considered a rebound to a rebound.

if you want me to stop thinking of you. just marry someone else. that seems to work for me.

outta focus

it appears that because i have been focused on one girl for so long that i cannot refocus my lenses. i am having trouble seeing who out there, if any one, is out there for me. amanda has not been there for me like i thought she would. i also have not had any girls eger to knock down my door seeking me out other than spam emails from generic girls who nither walk or breathe.  i am not that desprete yet since being so is a turn off to them. but i am starting to get worried.  that i may never find her.

Unprofessional to the end? no.

Can it be that we all where a little unprofessional. but in the end i know that all that hinder me from doing the things that are right will be no longer in my life amd because of this i am glad.

wow i finaly have somthing to talk about?

the reason i have not been posting lately is because i have had no beef about anyone. the girl who i talk about in my old blog has stayed away from me ever since i found out that she married another man.  i was off by a year as to guessing how long that would happen in. but that is not the reason i started writeing this entry.

i had a scuff with a person at work.  it was because someone else at work who no longer works under my boss but works under the person who i had the scuff with because of a scuff he had with my boss i was talking to the other manager who he works under instead. with my boss.  i know that if this does not get resolved i will be giving names of the person who i had the scuff with and the name of the person who had a beef about me and my boss. because he gave a customer an ear full yesterday. and that coustemer gave my boss the entire conversation, so because of this we asked that this person be fired. or not working in the same place as my boss and i.

that request went well... not!.  i was told that i was describeing my self when i told him that this person likes to vent and "gossip" about others just because he is not in control.

i may be like this in a way. but at least i don't tell the world what happens at C4K to any person i can.  or at least untill today.

if you are given a label you either give that label that fullfillment or you prove the label wrong.  today i am doing one by showing that i have not done the other untill today. and it is people like the person i  had the scuff with that kill the words "free speech" because he claims that the person who my boss and i had a talk about had the right to "vent" to someone outside of the business. on his own time. so that is what i am doing now. i have held back the names because i have an upcomming apoligy from the person who i had the scuff with. so that is why i am not as mad as i was when i left work.

am i dying?

maybe i should have it checked out. but as of late i have been having dizzy spells and they have been happening more and more. i will be phoning my famaly doctor and will check and see if it is somthing serious or just a heat stroke.

Should i move on or stay put?

i can visualize a comming disaster that has haunted me ever since i left alberta, and came here to saskatoon, to actualy want this disaster to happen is both selfish and wrong. i admit. but i did not come back to saskatoon just to make sure this does happen. i came back because i knew i was to die here in saskatoon. after surviving the worst moment that ever will take place in saskatoon.

my current job is because i wanted to do somthing that i never thought would happen as long as i stayed in SAC.  but it was because i followed my dream that i got my current job.  but there is somthing pulling me back to SAC. and it is this dream of surviving @ SAC.

i had a dream in late 2005 that i would return to SAC and i would survive a blast that would take place there. if it is a prophetic dream then i know i will have to return to SAC in at least 7 years...i will be doing more at SAC then they will admit i would achive. as in this dream i knew i was doing somthing that they never let me do while i was there the last time.

if i am the only person who has had a dream like this then i know it is not selfish to admit. she was not in this dream.

i thought that this dream was going to take place in 2008 because i went to the first person who had similar claims, and when i found out he was a fraud i started persuing my own dreams.

all of my predictions that came from God has come true. except this one as well as another.

that i would return to saskatoon and survive a nuclear blast that would happen there.

my other dreams where that i would work repairing computers. that i would do it with little pay and that i would become happy with my life.

i came to the conclusion that it never was about me. it was about the sustainer of those dreams.

i also knew that i would not find my soulmate untill 10 years after i got over the first crush i had. the next crush would break my heart just the same way the first one would.

and it only took 7 years to truly get over the first crush. or so i thought. just like the prophicy said. it took 10.

i also knew that the world would not wait for my dreams.

so i tried to speed them up.

without realizeing that i was taking away from my time i had left on this world.

God had other plans for my life. i know it has somthing to do with that other incubus i had. the one i prayed to remember. and still do.

i will not say what that dream was about but i was angery in this dream and i took it out on someone not as close as i would liked to of been before this dream happened and is the cause of my pain.

what would you do if you ran out of steam?

that is exactly what happened on thursday. i ran out of steam and had a meltdown. i know i cannot handle stress but putting stress after stress on me will cause me to break down. even if i do not show it after awhile. i will try my best to contain it but i will not let it control me. if it does i know that i am not in control. like i want to be.  i don't remember thrusday all that well. but, because had i not gotten out and had the rest i needed afterwards i might of been hospitalized shortly after. i need to know who i can trust and who i can confide in and at this moment i have no one who i can call upon since i don't understand what happened on thursday either. all i remember was i wanted out and as soon as i found a way out i took it.

i cannot wait untill the new movie by Ray Comfort comes out. as i know that it will become one of the best tools to help save the lost, i know that i currently have lost friends and i am hopeing through his movie i can get them saved as praying for them is not helping. i need to make an action or i will never see them again after the lord decides to come back. i know i could be wrong but i am going to go by the Ppsimmions time line now. because they did prove without a doubt as to the identity of the antichrist and i know it may be wishfull thinking but i know that he (christ) will arrive in my life time. or if i am correct in my thinking shortly after.

back from my famaly reunion.

it will be a intresting few months up ahead. but today (monday) i just got home from what might be my last famaly reunion before the lord's return.

i also know that my nephew who i thought i got saved was actualy a backsliden agnostic. my sister and her soon to be husband where fighting about the smallest of things and my cousin's daughter has an illness like me. we had a good talk and i also added her to my facebook account.

other than that i had not much to report.

my old blog, i moved to the address that is my former crush's name. if you know her name you can look it up, and on my sing you a song blog i dedicate the last post to amanda my current love. although i think she is mad that since it took me an extra year more than i expected for her to fulfill the pattern that i knew my former crush would fullfill i had to add a year to my timing..  and now i know if amanda does not see this she will have to make room for someone else.

as her avoiding me at this transation time is critical that she contact me if she still loves me. because i know i can easly replace her with the next woman who says that she loves me.

6 out of 7

the second last trumpet has just sounded with the bombing that has and is going to be unleashed on this planet. i know that this has to surpass but what i don't know is how a dream i had 8years ago will play out. as i know that i have been dreading this moment. but i knew it was unavoidable. i recently watched a youtube video explaning bible prophecy assuming that things in the latter times happen in the order it has happened already. it just took one more year than i thought it would. things are going to change in my life. i know that if i talk about it i know it will not go away.  the last trumpet is the one i am afraid of.

it will go off in less thn 4 years and by the looks of it, it will be the reason i no longer speak freely.

Let it out again? old blog gone. moved to an address that is undisclosed.

instead of deleteing my old blog i placed this blog in it's place. i know you may of missed that blog but i did archive it. i am asking that if i can keep my promise to Amanda if you will let me. Come Back into my life as i now have but little time to make it into yours.

i found out that someone from my past has just completed the last condition to know that she is not apart of my future. and i also havereason to believe that my future will be cut short.

EDIT:

 i moved the old blog to cjleapard.blogspot.com