Fear not, Dear Amanda.

it's not you Amanda. it's me. i have had not much to say to you. it's not worth it to digup the past. but everytime i make a move it leads us being further apart. your effort has not been going unnoticed but is unknown as what i can do to bring us closer togeather. other than saying keep trying. just to know that your there is all i need at this time.

Just Friends

Amanda and i have reestablished communication but she does not talk to me as much as we did before, the time before, i said we where more then friends on facebook. it was apparent that i was moving too fast and because of that our relationship soured.

but like sour candy it is still desirable. just not in the abundance it once had. but at the least it is still there.

it is just that i do not know how to proceed.  my situation is still volatile and making the wrong move could end the relationship once again.

so i am going to act like a friend and nothing else towards her for now. since i know that is just what she wants from me now.

good friends. till the end. whenever that is. hopefully never.

Fight for the right.

it is a battle to keep alive somthing that has been, and for a while has not been, well. but patience is a two way game. you can ask for patience from someone but you have to be just as patient in those who you ask to be patient with you.

a few months ago i had a vision of a possable future. what i saw was frightening but who i saw was not. it is what kept my hope alive.

we have yet to have the talk that will re-enforce our relationship, but i feel that conversation we are about to have will determin weather the visions i have had are going to pass are true or not.

i know your there.

i know your there. just please don't be afraid of contacting me. you will find that i am a very forgiving person. why do you stand at a distance but do come to visit me in my thoughts and feelings?

i need someone in my life, i have been alone ever since you abandoned our relationship. i have been hoping you would return. i can see that you visit my blog every so often. i have been glad that you still care. but i ask that you give me another chance.

i will not act desprate because i know that is a turn off.  but i will plead that if you still find me worth reading about i will ask that you drop me a line.  my skype address is still the same,  if i re-add you to my skype will you talk with me some more?

we have known each other for almost 9 years, i hope we will still be friends for another 9 years and more.

is she afraid of me?

could that be the reason i never found the woman that i have been searching for.  lies... all lies.

i have been searching for not just a pretty face but a face that will keep her focus on me. or at least for 7 years.

Amanda fitted that bill.  but she never came back after i told her that she was third in line. third only to two females that are now married to other people.

will Amanda ever return to my life or am i a lost cause in her books.

if she would rather hear me say that she is priority one when in truth at the time she was not. may of been why she left me, when all i needed was another year of her time.

i now know that when she promised that she would wait forever if needed was a lie.

i may never find my true soul mate, but i know i will never find her unless she comments on this entry like i did on Amanda's blog when her mother died.

it is true i broke Amanda's heart, but Amanda never stuck around long enough for me to keep my promise to her.

she kinda was a safety net when i made a leap of faith.

now all i am is a mess on the floor.

another month another broken heart.

boy do i know how to break them.  i don't know how to mend them once broken. most hearts i know have never mended after broken.  it turns out i am a heart breaker. i can even break the heart of the creator. i don't do it on purpose. i do it because i don't know how to do any better. hearts are a fragile component of the soul. but is a hard part to mend once broken. what i want is a heart that can take a beating but keeps on ticking. pun intended.(edit 1/25/15: or one that still beats after a long time of ticking of a clock is the implied pun)

most of the hearts i have broken i know are hearts of rejection. hearts i have rejected because i knew i would never be with them. the reason i would not be with them is because i had a glimpse into the future and i did not see them in my vision of the future.

but like Nicolas Cage in the movie "Next" states. "once you look into the future it changes. because you looked at it, and that makes all the difference"

volitile

that is what my current situation is.

knowing that the promise of being patent yet knowing that i may not have tomorrow. i feel that i may never find her, the she that compleats me.

for 8 years i thought that amanda was that light.but i snuffed that light like a candle. and the light shined no more. i lost the beakon that had lighted my hopes and desires.

for 14 years i feared falling in love.

untill i found the perfect female to fall for.

because i knew i would never be with her.

but because of the way i felt for her

i knew she would full fill the desires of my hopes and dreams

it just turns out i was wrong. i pushed away someone who had been there ever since i fell for this female.

it turns out that because i knew that this female would never be with me, she fitted the prophecy to a "T"

it turns out that it was every female in that time period that was in that time that i pursued CJ.

God Knows who Mrs Ryan Harrison is. and i feel that she will enter my life willingly knowing that i want to drop my baggage at the door.

a friend of mine, (who i hope to become a close friend in the future,) has told me that the hole in my life will be filled with the woman who God knows will be the perfect match for me.

he,God, just told me that i will have to wait a month for every girl who's heart i have broken. untill i reach the time that i require before i meet her. starting today.

turns out i broke alot of hearts. and i will faithfuly wait the extra time before Mrs Ryan Harrison enters my life.

Thank you Todd Friel

because of him he ignited a passion to get past this hump in my life and help my friend in the process. i will not say what the sin was or what the problem was, but i just wanted to say that the program i listened to helped me out of a jam i was in where god started talking to me again.

i know it was him and i cannot prove it was him but i know it was him. regardless what athiests will say. i am not ashamed of talking to god and he inturn is not ashamed to talk to me.  i know that i will probaly be put on another med but hey, if you had the chance to talk to your parrrents before they died would you try to get them saved?

God wants me not to worry about what ever he wants, but what he commands me to obey when i am being lead astray.
 
so that when i do come back he is there for me, as he always will be there and help me over the humps before i get past those vallys. before i make it to my last hill, my goal.

open letter to God

it may never leave my mind but when it does. i get a re enforceing dream, or a hulcination of her on the bus or even a song that reminds me of her plays on the radio.

i just need more time.  it will never leave my mind. someone is praying against me and is keeping me from forgetting her.

i know because i have not been praying as much as this person who does not want me to forget her.

so i am going to make an open letter to God asking him to let me move on. if this does not work then the person who is praying against me is higher on God's food chain.

"Dear Lord,

"as you know i have been struggling about thoughts about a certin female.  these thoughts i feel are Demonic in nature. as i know i have not moved on because i still have demonic dreams and demonic visions of her and i becoming friends. i know that these visions are not from you. and i know you want what i want, and that is for me to let go. with your help i can achive this goal.

"i need your help, i have been struggling with this, and i feel i am going to lose the battle against these deamons because these deamons also flood my inbox with pornagraphic pictures of girls who "claim" to want me. and i have no idea of who they are.

"because of this i feel i may never beable to get past this phase in my life. and i know that this phase of my life is not over.

"help me move on from this past event in my life. i have been struggleing with these thoughts and i feel it might go beyond just thoughts if not resloved.

"i know since you are the creator of life you can also change what you have created.

"change me,
 in jesus' name i pray.
amen.

Can Dreams Reveal the future. or does it show the condition of our hearts?

Last night i had a very troubling dream. i dreamed that CJ had forgiven me and in turn i forgave her in this dream. but in this dream i was not looking for her. she found me.  i know in real life she would never forgive me. because i know that i made an effort to bury the hatchet. but that hatchet in reality never existed untill she discovered that i had a few words to say against her.

i know it is too late to think romanticly towards her and the dream was anything but.

but if i could just move on and not be reminded of her i will in fact, be come happy.

but the truth is i am happy. i knew that i would never be with her and i was right about that. but she is still out there. and she is still remembering me and i am remembering her.  but because of this she refuses to seek me out. but if she ever does. i will not turn my back on her.

i just won't look at her.

Ouch

Money is going to be tight this month.with an unforseen cost. my laptop just bit the dust. and needs the screen replaced. and because that will cost me more than i have i will have to pay it when i get paid next  month. fortunatly it is GST check month. so i should be able to pay it before the end of the next month.

How Does she see me after all these years?

i got a letter from Facebook asking if i know a whole bunch of people. and at the top of that list was "Nevada Bryn McKenzie."

i do know of her. i do know that whenever i stumble across her blog she abandons it. i do know that someone from where she moved to periodically looks back at the old domain that i claimed after she abandoned it. i do know that her current blog she also abandoned.

i have a feeling that because of the way i acted in high school just before i became stable (after i was medicated, to which she has never seen). my medicated side she has not seen and she still sees me the way i was before i flipped out.

because it was the last year at high school. and she graduated 2 years before i was able to. because of my illness.

i wish i could have a do over with her. but like i said on her domain.  "new year new chances new people. must put old news in old recycle bin and empty it before it gets old."

i have never felt more distant from someone that i have her.

even though i do not want to i tend to alienate those females i care about the most. mainly because i am alienated  by them once they see my illness.  mainly because they don't know how to treat me and they are afraid they will "set me off"

that is the exact reason i cannot fall in love again.

what they have to realize is, i don't have a trigger to my illness (other than stress). as it is a gradual illness.  seeing it develops over time. and i can control it. until i let go of my struggle. and let it take over. that is what i did in the last year of high school. i let go.

that is why i flipped out in that last year of high school. i could not fight it any more. fortunately i was diagnosed and treated and [partially] cured.

i still have the illness and i still fight it. but the fight is easier then it was when i just let go.

unfortunately women seem to trigger the fight and i do still try to fight it. but love makes it harder. because i am thinking of something that does not make sense. and something that makes things harder for me to control. if i can wrap my head around it and it makes logical sense i do in fact master it and i stop thinking about it.

but love i have not mastered and i will never be able to wrap my head around it.

Future dream?

so i had a dream of the future yesterday. my future. i know it was just a dream, but it made all the other dreams i had make sence. i am not going into the details other than saskatoon and martensville where joined. and on gps if you want to goto down town saskatoon it was north of martensville. this did not make sence while i was dreaming it. unless you look at another dream i had 7 years ago. where a nuclear bomb went off south west of saskatoon.

but like i said. it was just a dream. but it put all the other dreams in perspective. like why i was living in martensville in the last 3 dreams i remember. even though i once lived in martensville as a kid. but live in saskatoon today. and on that same gps i punched in my current address an got a location does not exist error. that is what scared me.

but it was just a dream a vivid and non lucid dream.

Will Amanda ever return, or will i never see the light of day?

is it because now she has no competition that she decides to leave my life? i have not heard from Amanda in over 7 months. i still think about her. i want her to return to my life but i do not know how to keep her in my life.  not only am i not successful in the dating area, but i do not even try. because i know that unless they come to me it is not worth it to come to them.

Why Does My paranoia raise whenever i take the bus?

it's odd. i get this feeling that i am being watched. and because of this watcher is relaying what i know to someone else. who in turn is waiting to spy on me when i take the bus.

but that is my illness talking. i for the last 6 months have not taken the bus.

and the day i do... i have been hoping that i do not see her or her husband. but i do.  fortunately not on the same bus as me. just at the two terminals i visited. on my way to my boss's place to work.

the thing is i cannot tell the difference between something imaged and something real. unless the thing that is real acknowledges the thing that is imagined.

it is the same demons that are on the bus that take over and make me paranoid.  but then again it's just my illness.

my faith, is being tested

the lord will put the worst before you just before he blesses you. with trials and temptation. but not in that order.  there's always a calm before the storm, but theres always a calm once the storm has also passed.

right now i feel that a storm is coming. as i am being tested.  it's just that the last few tests i have failed. or so i think. but i do not know.

it's calm now but that will soon change.

Vanna? can i get an "L" please? Love. life, can it get any darker? give me a light please.

what do women want? and do i care if i give it to them anymore?  i have mental health issues and that is why i do  not need to think of things like this anymore.  it makes me ill just thinking about this. i should count my chickens since they have already hatched. and they ARE full grown hens by now. i also know that i am nolonger able to have children any more. that is what satan wanted and that is what i am granting him over my life.  i am not letting him have my happiness aswell. that is what CJ took from me, since i knew she would marry someone else i got it back from her.  now with no regrets in thinking and knowing it would never happen. i was right about her. but then there is Amanda. a girl who said she would always be there for me.  i added a year to the time she had left to wait. because i did not know that it would take another year before she, CJ, married some one else and i also now know she, amanda, could not wait another year for me and got impatient with  me and left me in the dark.

untill just recently.  someone from her neck of the woods visited my blog on the 6th. i am just hoping it is not over any more. but a man can dream dreams and have visions.

i now know how i will die.  it is just a question of when.

Sure Do miss ya DAD.

if only i could tell him that i reignighted my passion for model trains. and as i was growing up, knowing now, full well, that he knew that my likes where computers more than trains, but he knew i had always had an imaginaton for trains..

i was just thinking if i could of shown my current train set to him. and would he of been proud of me, but too little too late. but if i do do it it will be done as a dedication to him.

but like always if you want to see what i am up too in my time off from work loo at my blog "ryan and trains" in my profile.

new blog.

so i started a new blog today. it is going to be a photo journal about my new hobby. Toy Trains. visit my blogger profile for a link to it. if your intrested that is.

i am switching hobbies.

Games and computers have taken most of my child and adult life. i have had a good run with them.  but there is nothing i have had a fasination with longer than other than, its with trains. in a film that my parrents recorded when i was just 1 years or so, old i was looking out the window to watch a train go by.

at the time we where living in clavet.

but this is before i can remember.

but my fasination with trains has never died. it just got eclipced by nintendo and computer games. and women.

now i think that eclips is over.

i am going back to my root fasinaton with the recent purchase of a train catalog.

don't get me wrong, i love computers, it' just that i am not going to put as much money into them as i am going to put into rail roads and model trains

2 bloody feet.

after stepping on a stone it took me just 2 minutes to realize my right foot was bleeding. an oddity that i cannot explain other than saying that it...  was a message from god saying "pay attention" or get hurt more.  i realize that because i have not been focusing On CJ that i have not been blogging at all since i have been sleeping most of the time.

i need to wake up and look around. but coming out of my shell is not as easy as others might think it is.

because after coming out of my shell and looking around just made me realize that there is the possibility that i hurt someone and thus hurt my chances with the one type of woman i am attracted to. why?

knowing that she could be any one of those females i realized that if i did hurt her and if i did hurt my chances with any that look like her because i go into the same downward spiral when ever i do succeed in putting her in my past painfully by not thinking about them or shutting them out of my life completely.

one day just before i decided not to let my fears manifest i said something to one of these illusions that i have been having.  she took her ear buds out of her ears and said "huh?" to me.  so i repeated my self.  but since i was getting nowhere with a simple illusion i stopped the conversation since i knew she had other things on  her mind. then talking to me. 

untill 3 minutes later.

you see,

she looked exactly like her, and i thought to my self that it is not her. and she is just a stranger who had no intentions of ever talking to me.

some background of this encounter:

winter had just started, and a blizzard had started. i asked this person if the number 2 or the number one was coming next.

i had no intentions of ever starting a conversation with this female. because i knew exactly where it would lead at that time, but the thing is i told myself if i can start a conversation with her, i, at least, was not at fault, if none occurred.

so i tried. and just like i thought none occurred..

but at least i broke out of my shell.

only to put myself back into it.

you see this illusion that i tried to converse with looked at me for half a second before we got on the bus. because i was standing behind her. thinking what if this was her. at least if i stand behind her she cannot see me unless she wants to, AND SO I CAN AVOID EYE CONTACT.

but some would say i was looking too much into this.

until i was under spiritual attack.

the entity was telling me that i needed to make an apology letter to her. and i needed tell her that i was sorry for the wrongs i committed against her. or i would not go to heaven. i gave into this entity and started writing my apology letter, but than just before i was able to save the letter notepad8 crashed. and i lost the letter, one, i have no intentions of ever re-writing.  because i know now i was under attack because this entity had told another female to meet me at the burger king that i would be having at a supper time the next time i would be out of the house.

that is how i knew i was under attack. the previous day and i knew i did not have to write another letter until she writes one to me. and thus i will not.

i know i was having a delusion because this girl who i saw at the burger king that day after i lost that letter was only seen by me. the other 3 people who where there, did not see her, when i asked afterwards if they saw her.

but alas being a schizophrenic is not the easiest of illness to have. not knowing what is real and what is not. or so they keep telling me.

let's just declare this now. if she wants something from me she will write me back or i can  safely continue to brush her under the rug of my existence. and try once more to move on.

ouch

all is quiet in my life only after i rip a hole in my foot after tripping over some wires beside my computer. don't worry my computer is fine but i must of stepped on something that ripped a hole in my foot.   it only bled a little for about 30 minutes after. and a chunk of dead skin i had to rip off after words. it is just painful to walk again but other than that it there is nothing new to report.

Testing my patience?

here is a test, if i Email CJ before she does me then that means i lost the battle i am currently fighting. it has been half a year since i last emailed her and i know i can last at least a year.

here is the kicker, if i do see her again it will be against my will. and i will choose to flat out ignore her.  if i see her in public, why?

i want to move on.

but the thing is i don't know what to move on to. i have nothing to move on to.  i have been fighting this urge for the last 8 months.

what do i want to say to her?

nothing good.

Can i ever forgive CJ?

that is the big question i have. but what is it that she did?  it's not what she did it is what she didn't do.  OK what did she not do? 

if i go into details of what she did not do i will have to say, every thing that goes against the grain of how i wanted a woman to treat me. unfortunately i have this idea that if i ever was treated right by CJ it would become a miracle that did the reverse of how i expected to be treated by her.

it's the miracles that keep me hanging on.  CJ did a few things right. but it is too late for me to pursue her.  but pursuing her is not what i want to do at this time.  at this time i want to forgive her. And move on.

was it her that i saw at the burger king yesterday?  i could not tell but i did not bother to look either.  i know she is married to someone else and that is why i never will talk to her. i never will try even to gaze into her beautiful eyes.  i will treat her like Medusa,  and avoid eye contact.

but can i forgive her?

i just do not know.

i want to. but it is hard to tell her that i do.

Who will replace Amanda in my life.

sure, i'm depressed when i started writing this. 

CJ is married, just like i knew she would be, i know she never considered me. she is happy, i must admit that.

i had this delusion that if i treated her, like she was less than me that she would look up to me. like i looked up to her because she treated me less than her.

give her a taste of her own medicine.

i know why. we never clicked.

i ran away before i was ever on her radar.  i was this "strange"er.

i also had this delusion that she might of cared. but i know that is not true now.  she would of written me back instead of calling me a stalker.

i thus gave her 4 conditions that she must fulfill before i was to forget her and move on. one of witch i had trouble fulfilling myself.

those conditions are.

that she would marry someone else.
that she would have a child to someone else
that 7 years would pass before i could desolve the bond between me and her.
that i would have someone else in my life to replace her.


apparently now the last condition is not there. and never will be.

3 of 4.

Make a difference? become who you are born to become? Or...

be happy?

i was hopping for all three.


if only CJ got married when she was supposed to instead of when she did.

let's just say she is now all three. but i am still haunted by her.

her legacy.  her choice. her efforts.

all went noticed.  i, on the other hand, did not.

Until it was too late. and i moved to Alberta.

her fate was sealed. no matter how hard i hit that looking glass i could not break it in time.

i lost Amanda because i lost the ability to pear into the future.  because it was a gift that was taken back by the one who gave it to me. at a time that i was in a junction in my life and i wanted to choose her for reasons that i could not look forward too, because i could not see farther than 2012. and becuase of this i could not estimate or make plans that involoved someone who i thought would beable to second guess my intentions.

the plans that he has for my life are that i don't know any more. as to why it is just lingering on and on, i do not know.  when is the stupid Rapture going to happen? and am i ready for it?

or is he just preparing our hearts for a life that involves the most patient of people.  those who die waiting for something that he knows will not happen until the looking glass is broken, and shards are cutting red on the floor from our bloody feet.

or is it our fists that are bloody? from trying too hard.

when growing up i was living a double life.  one that involved me being the mentor to 4 of the most beautiful girls in the same grade as me. and the other where i meant nothing to them.

i never realized that this world was going on around me out side of my shell. i never cared for this world until i was medicated for the first time... around the time i wanted to merge the two worlds. and become the world to 4 girls.

i know i never will try for woman number 4 and that is why i thought Amanda was woman 3.

i realize now the blood is not from my fists trying to break down the wall that CJ erected between us. but it was a hemorrhage from my skull trying to break out of my own shell.

Can't let a good guy down.

Due to a whole lot of network issues at home i have not been blogging as much as i wanted to in the last month.  after losing contact with amanda, i found that all i care about now is the Rapture. but knowing that it could not happen in my life time is what is currently depressing me.

i feel that there is somthing i must do before it happens. or even so. somthing must happen to me before it happens is anotherthing that i feel must happen before it happens.

can you wrap your head around that one?

i know there have been predictions after predictions of when it or if it takes place. but i know i will be apart of it or die just before it.  but i have made predictions before about my death. but have turned up emtey.

but i can feel my body failing ever since i had my gull bladder removed. and i know that all the background radiation that i know i am exposed to will either kill me or make me stronger.

i do not want to go back to SAC since i had a vision about being there that i do not want to come true. but ever since i lost my job at C4K i know it will be a pressure to go back there.