Ignorance is bliss. knowledge is torture.

seeking to know what others don't is not a flaw in my character. it is a weakness i posess. knowledge is somthing i use to kill a fear i have.

i fear the unknown.

if i fill that unknown with information i know now it comes across like i am a "know it all"

truth is i learn as much about the topics that fills the void that the unknown leaves in my heart.

it also drives women away from me.

today i admited to my care giver that in my spare time when i was a kid that i would read the encyclopedia cover to cover.

i also told her that it mainly is useless knowledge since even if i was to recite it no one would believe me because of my schizophrenia.

when i was in the hospitable being treated for my schizophrenia for the first time i was unable to explain what really was going on in my head. all the information that i acquired at that time was making sense to only me. and no one else.

it was like i was tapped into a direct 2 way communication with the creator of this universe. and i was able to feed into what he wanted me to do with the rest of my life on earth.


i told her about the encyclopedia because she was doubting even the most basic of facts that came from my mouth. that some "dolphins are smarter than chimps."

she responded "dolphins are not animals they are fish"

this got me thinking last night. either she is sadly brainwashed. or i misinterpreted what she said.

i followed up with the statement that dolphins are mammals . not fish. and that fish are also animals. too.

to this i got no response. but it left me thinking that what is the point of having knowledge about the creation if the creatures in it care not about a thing that is around them.

it also scared me a little.

if only i could reestablish that 2 way communication i had as a teen. i could tell him i am done trying to help those who don't want to be helped. and ask him why i am still here.

but now i realize i still have one unmet goal.in life.

i know that is the reason i am still here.

AMANDA.

other than that i am done with this life.

Wow. talk about being inactive

yes i know, it's been awhile since i last made a blog entry.  it's been awhile since i did anything. my life has been at a standstill. i have not really done much of anything. i have not entirely been active doing anything.  once a week i get out of the house and i do pretty much nothing otherwise.

but next year that will change, starting next year i will be getting my life on a new track a new plan a new life. i guess you can say this is my midlife crisis. but since i have done every thing i wanted to do in my life except one thing i have no real direction in my life. other than the one thing i have done every thing i want to do with my life.

ok maybe two things. but the other thing no longer matters. since i kinda skipped a step to achieve a goal in my life. the other thing i just thought of was getting my schooling. but since i had  the job i wanted that i would get from schooling it is no longer important to me.

Going back to work as planed.

i am thinking of going back to work as planned i now have my foot in the door as i have made my appointment to return to work in January. i made an appointment with partners in employment and hopefully i can reinstate my income.

it has been awhile since i have worked and i might need help easing into it.

but with an income i can re-pay the government the money i owe.

other than that i have nothing new to report.

i knew it was not over yet.

it's been awhile, i just have had nothing to say.  until now.

i know i have had the odds of needing to pay back the government for the over payment they made me. not in my favor. apparently i owe them around $352.00 for not being in a program that pays me. extra.

i had apparently been getting $27 a month extra because i was in a program. of some sort. but ever since C4K went down and i was not "working" since i was supposed to tell my SAID worker that and i was apparently not supposed to get the extra 27 a month because i did not need the bus pass money.

even though i have been getting the bus pass anyways.

My SAID worker kept telling me how important it was for me to keep her updated. but i did not know this until it was too late.

besides my memory is not the best anyways, unless it is stressed into memory. then i never forget.

times are getting close.

it's coming close to Amanda's birthday and i was thinking i should do something to commemorate the day.but what? the best i can think of is wishing her a happy day. but i feel i could do more. its been awhile since we last talked and i know it is hard to talk to those i love.  regardless if we are on good terms or not.

Amanda has been there through the thick of thin things and i am grateful for that.

she may realize it or not but i have not forgotten about her.  it's just that our relationship i do not want to spoil. by saying something wrong. so i say nothing at all.

but even saying nothing can spoil a relationship.

so i will say "I love you Amanda" and "happy birthday." when the time comes.

Another Good Gaming Party.

My friend David Sure knows how to throw a good party, as i just got back from his place after one. we had a game of RISK II and thinking he would of been the first player eliminated i made the mistake of saying so out loud. as you know in "risk," with the settings we picked, anything could happen. and that is what did happen. i was eliminated shortly after making that comment.

other than that nothing new to report.

Another Update.

My Domain name that i purchased i am using to host both my Tradewars server and ftp web site.

slother3x.info

i can finally say i am getting the hang of setting it up.

even though it has been up for awhile on and off. i am going to say now it will be taken down if others start abusing it like they did with my old no-ip,org domain.

i put my tradewars server at

twgs.slother3x.info

and my website is at

www.slother3x.info

quick update

Things are going well for me now.

 just upgraded all my computers to windows 10 and was given the OK to walk without the knee immobilizer that i have been walking with.

even though i have been without the hallucinations for awhile i had one when i was at the hospital getting my x-ray on my leg.

 it may just be that i may never be able to rid my self of them, but i know that if i ever do, i will be happier than i am right now.

God where are you in my life?

i need him more than anything yet like others i love i  have been pushing him away by thinking i have been without praise and worship.

i know i have angered him yet i know not what to do,  from this point on.

i feel empty and i have felt this way for awhile now. not knowing why.

it  has been awhile since i blogged last. and i was on top of my 'game' then but even then the depletion had started.

things are happening faster then expected. and i am running out of time. but so is everyone else.

there is not much more i can do or say. but to let things flow.

i have been a spectator for far too long. i think it is time to get back into the game.

news

you may or may not remember me talking about my grandmother. who insulted me at Christmas, 2 years ago. she passed away 2 days ago. i should feel sad but i don't because something great over shadowed that news.  Amanda is in the consideration phase of coming to see me some time in early next year.  it got me so happy that nothing could bring me down.

other than that nothing new to report.

To Amanda with love.

i have been depressed lately. but it has been because i am confined to my bed. soon i will no longer have my wings clipped.  i am feeling allot better but i am also feeling that i have let yet another great girl slip through the cracks that is my life. i have not heard from Amanda since i broke my leg 3 weeks ago.  she has been periodically been visiting my blog but has not said a word.

Amanda is a Great Girl.  she has stuck by my side for almost 10 years. she has waited and waited for me to get over CJ.  she even sees something in me that both CJ and Nevada never did. for that i know Amanda is the one i should spend the rest of my life with. however short it may be.

I got Broken bone not from stick or stone....

...but from my own stupidity.

as 3 days ago i broke a bone in my "good" leg.

breaking a bone is alot easier then having a muscle removed but still hurts. none the less.

i am not going to say how i broke it but i will say it has made my life allot harder to do the simple things.

Lies will Haunt you but the truth is Stranger then Fiction

i know that if you try to deceive someone they will follow you like a lemming off the cliff that you have tried so hard to explain that they have not been heading towards.

for 10 years i loved someone and have lead someone else off a previous cliff mainly because that cliff was easier to jump off of instead of falling off of once the foundation eroded from it.

this morning God Told me to come clean about something that has been bugging me for awhile.

Amanda is going to witness my death.

but it is a death by a nephilim.

and it is only if i save her's, (Amanda,) first.

by telling her, Amanda, to come to me.

since i am incapable of comming to her in my current living situation.

all i can say is if i die it will be before she does but only if she heeds my warning first.

and moves away from the ocean,

unless of course we are both Raptured out of here before the devil gets a chance to.

if my prayers are heeded i will die a painless death or be raptured out of here.

but i also know about the apostasy filter that is being applied to my life and is filtering out my life and if testing my faith is enough to matter to others.

i know i will never be able to shake the dream i had where i was killed by a nephilim all because i told him that he was a demon that came from the pits of hell and was not a "alien from another planet" like everyone else was tricked into thinking.

but hey, your favorite hockey team will win the cup this year so go back to sleep and all will be o.k.

faith.

faith is like a mustard seed.  it, even though it is small if nurtured and given plenty of "good soil" to grow, it turns into the greatest of plants. someone out there has faith in me, but i admit that i have not given her the best of "soil" to "work with."

you can only give what you have been given. and i have not been given the surface to "sow" what i have "reaped." because my priorities are misguided and in error. they always have been.

like a seed that has been planted in the shallow soil, will spring up, but when the sun comes out it will wither and die. 

Today as i was trying to fall asleep i prayed that i be moved from the shallow soil to the deep and good soil and help me make the right choices.

whether or not if that prayer was answered with a "yes" yet is another question.

i have been, struggling with the sin of viewing pornographic material, it has been a problem for awhile, i have taken on the sins of a friend that also has been struggling.

it does not help that my spam folder is filled with such pictures.

i thought i had victory over this sin but it has made me docile in my efforts.

it was to the point that God intervened in my life and stopped me from viewing it the day before yesterday.

if it was not the voices it was the the sins of my past that resurfaced.

Stop Mocking me!!!

what was so hard, about asking her to help me in a time of need?  i may of been psychotic but i was also catatonic in my efforts, i could not move. i called for her help but i got no responce.

i left the scene when i knew it was too late. i tried to forget. i tried to move on. i tried live with it. i tried to live without it. i tried i tried and i tried. But God was Right. i would always be reminded and i would always find another reason.

"the internet is not written in pencil.  it is written in INK."

those people who live and breathe forget that others live and breathe too.  they are so worried about their lives that others are dying all around them, yet they don't look at their own lives and see how finite it is.

it's not about winning souls to your cause. it is about doing what is right. what is Just. and what is Noble. what is Honorable. what is Respectful.

something the world apparently has forgotten along time ago.

i need help at this time.

but none in this world can help me.

they are all too busy doing their own thing.

getting married, having children, living their lives.

forgetting about those who have moved on. and not looking back at what they can do better. or at least if they did, they will do better with someone else forgetting her or him that they made a mistake with in the first place.

and if they do try to fix the problem, it is not received the way that they had hoped it would be.

i refuse to die a copy. because i was born an individual.

https://youtu.be/MrRQEQN38Lg

The party lasted a week!!!

They really do mean marathon when you select marathon in the game speed in civilization 4.  as for my birthday party we, being David Robert and i, had a marathon game of civilization 4. that lasted a week.  at least 20 hours in total.  late nights and late games means we slept when we could and Robert and i went and saw the new avengers movie.

but like all parties. this one has to come to a  close.

the year ahead.

of course i jumped the gun.  Amanda and i are still on speeking terms, Nevada is not in my forseeable future and my paranoia was in the last 3 weeks at an all time high. mainly because of a med change that i just went through.

i say this now because i want this year of life to be better than any of the other 36 years of my life have been.

yes in case you have not figured it out by now and if you know me you will also know that today is my birthday.  i have a big party planed and  i am spending it with friends.  good times and gg.

So Much for her caring

silence is more deadly than the keyboard. i asked Amanda to give me her last name when she does decide to contact me with another account and i either lost contact with her or she blocked me. the previous entry has not been seen by her yet but the one before it was. i think i know that i met a condition. and i am not loved unconditionally. too bad. i was rejecting other women just for her. but i guess i will be a little leaner on them. just in spite

if Dreams can tell the future...

then Nevada is a part of it. but i know she is not since dreams only show our inside view of the outside.

about a week ago i had a dream and Nevada was in it. i, in this dream asked her why she did not respond to the letters that i sent her. her response made sense not because it was the truth but because it is what i wanted to hear from her.

later that night i forgot the response she gave me but i do not forget the encounter. it was like a spark in a gas filled room. the emotions where to much. i tried to forget the dream because the unresolved feelings where to much for me to handle. but all i forgot was the dialog of that dream but not the dream it's self.

i say this now because someone out there cares and i know who she is. and i know why she cares. i will care for her because she reminds me of me. in more ways then one. her name is Amanda.

i know talking about other women will make her feel inferior but she has to realize that these other women do not like me back. never did never will.

i love her because she loves me.  and if there are conditions to her loving me then i love her back in vain. but i, will, and still love her.

CJ was just a woman i loved instead and in place of Nevada. but like Nevada i knew it was over when she succeeded in fulfilling the 4 conditions that Nevada did just before i pointed my love towards CJ and off her.

I gave up on Nevada when God talked to me about her. and showed me that i would never be with her. he also told me that CJ would enter my life but she would not be as receptive to any advances i made on her. this was confirmed and reconfirmed again and again. for 9 years.

if you want to know more visit my past blog where i explain what happened to me in the years 1982-2013 at http://ryanharrison.blogspot.com

dry spell

You never know. things are just what they are. but for a reason.  even if those reasons are not apparent.  life has been good to me lately. i have all i need. all i want.  but i feel empty, uninspired,  no drive to do anything.  i had to force myself to make a blog entry today. because i even now have been uninspired to write anything as well. oh well maybe later i will write something later.

Un-Conditional Love

it may be hard to express it but if you don't have a reason to love someone but you make an effort to do so, just because you know it is the right thing to do. regardless of how they treat you. that is what i know is unconditional Love. 

but lust is not love.  if you just want someone just because you are attracted to them physically that is not unconditional but conditional love.  because once they change your gone from their lives.

that is why i want to express unconditional love towards Amanda. always have and always will. mainly because i want her to express unconditional love towards me.  if i make a mistake i don't want her to leave my life just because i made a mistake. but to stick with me even though we may have our disagreements or our dry spells.

but some times i just need reassuring that my effort is not in vain. Fortunately i just got some reassurance that it is not in vain and will keep in mind that we are forever paired. because it is unconditional love that i have for her.

Driftweed

i don't know what to say. other then, the facts.

amanda has been silent. i feel she has nothing to say to me and i have nothing to say to her. so we don't talk. yet relationships are based on verbal communication. otherwise if there is no communication. there is no relationship.
she is on my contact list, she is there. but she is busy most of the time. and she does not respond most of the time.

i feel we have drifited apart. so far apart that we may never beable to drift back togeather.

i understand her life is busy, i get it, i also get that i have been a support for her in the past, but now that she has grown up she can now handle life on her own.  and i feel she does not need me anymore. but i still need her.

if the puzzle is too hard...

i turn down the difficulty level till i get the level that i can beat the game. then slowly turn up the level till i am at the point that i can have fun with the game. i know i have been finding the game of life too hard.

so when i came to god i told him to turn the difficulty level down. and he did.  but he has been turning the difficulty level up ever so slowly that i have noticed it going up.

God has been kind to me. mainly because ,he has a purpose to my life other wise i would be dead already.

but i see a test coming. one that i have studied for. but i am no where near ready for.

i ask him to remove me before i have to make the choice. as i feel i will have to make the choice that will take me away from him if i have to make it. yet i know what i have to do when i am confronted with this choice.

it is going to be the toughest choice i will ever have to make.

i will make my choice now but i do not know how i will get through it. but i know i will try. since i have no other choice.

"Black Murky Water" dream. i now know what it meant.

CJ is no longer in my future. but if she wanted me in hers she will have to read this last effort on my behalf.

i no longer have dreams or visions of her in my life but she is not forgotten.

what i am saying is she will no longer be considered by me as a possible friend regardless...

ever since i was 17 i had visions of a certain female that would enter my life but never become my friend.

i knew i would obsess about this female. even go as far as having a conversation as someone else with her. but never actually clicking with this female. the next female that entered my life after i was rejected by Nevada i would fall for and never actually be a friend to.

i know now that was CJ. 

i for 9 years have been obsessing about her. and only in the last 2 years have been able to get my mind off her, and on other more important things like the Rapture and God, one of witch who has who gave me that revelation in the first place.

knowing that she married someone else was the break i was looking for. the catalyst that broke the mold of what was a paradigm i needed to free my self from.

but why do i still linger on this subject? she made an impact in my life. one i was warned about. and one i could not free myself from. but it was a tool that God used on me to prove to me that when he makes a promise about the future and you try to fight it. it will prove you cannot beat the creator of the game at the game he made himself.

if you want to play a game and you find the game easy at first, be careful because you might find your self next to a pool of black murky water. that if your not careful you might just get thrown into.

7 year cycle has restarted. get it right this time support staff.

i am having another phycotic break because i know that my life is in danger.

my symtoms are:

paranoid delusions
headacke
sweatyness after being outside in -43 degree weather for half a minute

voices in my head telling me all that i am doing wrong and no constructive criticisim
insomnia
jaw pain(unrelated)
 tiredness


i am telling you this Amanda because you are the only one other then my family who knows me longer then anyone i am working with or is on my support staff. but your life is in danger and i have been putting this off because i need to know if you think i am Crazy or you believe me when i say you need to get farther away from both coast lines. because an astroid is going to hit the atlantic ocean.

you have untill the last blood moon to move.

i am crazy, or i  am a prophet. i cannot be both.

i know i am not both.

Life is Strange

a new gem i found while watching a lets play video. i think it has potental as a good game. while i put  70 minutes into it today. and i found it has lot's of replay value. since i have played just a little of it and wish i had the same power that this girl has. but hey it is just a game.

yet another dream.

i had a dream a few days ago that i have not forgotten about in the last few days. but i knew it had importance because it felt real and i was in Martensville in this dream, yet again. this time i was not heard in this dream but nevertheless it made sense.

someone had the bright idea to do a nuclear test on the moon. or maybe a test or explosion on a moon like asteroid. but regardless it was a dumb move. because shortly after this explosion a tidal wave at least 1 kilometer high came crashing in. shortly before waking.

i say this now because i know that even though i feel i will return to Martensville i know it is only as a visit. or after something big happens and i have no reason to return to Saskatoon. but i know i will reside in Saskatoon until my main reason becomes apparent.

Freedom. i take it not for granted. others do.

i know that i will die this year and i am not looking forward to it. but i know that others who see God and see that he had to evolve just to fit the paradigm of him not fitting into their big-bang theory calls me a heretic just because i believe that Jesus is God,  has a lot of pieces of the wrong puzzle in the puzzle that he is trying to put together. by asking the wrong questions about God. and not liking the answers i had for him.  one being that Jesus is God.

he then slaps a label on me saying that i believe in "modealisam" (not sure about the spelling of the word because i never heard the word ever since then until now.) and also calls me a heretic just because i am unable to explain away Jesus as being more than the son of God. but is God himself.

without explaining that when i was 17 i saw Jesus in the clouds as a direct and last favor filled request to him to show me that my faith was not in vain.

i figured that i was never going to explain to him that if i did have nothing to give him i would at least tell him that the puzzle he was trying to put together was not fitting his paradigm because he had the wrong puzzle started in the first place. and if the puzzle was ever to be completed he must first take the original puzzle and be willing to throw it away in order for the truth to make sense like i did when i was 17.

a typical response i found to the last 2 heretics i have tried to talk to said they had "questions." that i was able to answer each of. but the only difference between this one and the last one was the fact that i kept my visions out of the conversation this time as my "proof."

and i used my scientific knowledge as my proof.

i knew that if i was not going to convince him i did not have to.  Because God was going to reward me just for speaking up on his behalf. when apparently no one else did.

And let me remind you Jesus is GOD and his HOLY SPIRIT is interchangeable with son and father. and is the same thing as the trinity.

If i marry her...

without trying to get a closer bond, i feel i will ruin a just recently reestablished relationship.

 i have to time my steps carefully.

i will bring this matter before the throne of God but if i bring this matter too her knowledge before she is ready to accept it i know that i will lose all i have tried to gain.

but to ask her to wait another 7 years is both unfair and foolish on my part.

and the way the world scene is going i feel i may not have the time i once did.

things are moving just a little faster than expected but some things are taking longer than usual. it's just that the things that matter are are what are moving faster than expected, and what i want are taking longer than usual.

before i reestablished communication  with Amanda i had a dream that she was here in Saskatchewan. that is what i saw. if that dream was true then i know how much time after the fact, i have left.


because in the same dream i saw my death at the hands of a Nephilim before waking.

2015

an uneventfull new year. that is what i am praying for this year. but i also feel that, it will not happen. as i feel that this year will be even more eventful year then 2014. i am hopeing that i will see a friend turn to God, that has not all his life. but that is only wishful thinking.

I also hope that the Rapture will happen this year. but i have my doubts. as like most date setters the rapture did not happen for them and i am not getting on a band wagon just because it fits what i understand. or if the music suthes the soul. i could be wrong and the odds are closer then not.