Hello World!

I Have made a switch from blogger to wordpress so i can host my blog myself. here, if things go well i may no longer need to host my blogs on blogger as Wordpress seems to have just as many features as blogger.

There are 2 kinds of true prophets

those who know the future and those who hear Gods words.  the plans of the enemy are reviled to the right people can in fact make things worse for him. AND CAN MAKE HIM DOCILE.

Even though i knew that Trump would become President i thought i heard it from God. but i had a vision of the future. and i put 2 and 2 together. i made a promise that if trump would become president i would move out of my current home. because i saw that i was living in martensville when i am killed i also know i would be living in Martensville anyway. because i saw the overpass that they will be building in Martensville before i even knew that was a vision of the future.

i also was not a Trump supporter until i heard his stance on corruption.

things are moving ever faster and more swiftly.

things are also becoming harder to keep a lid on.

sure i am Islamophobic. i don't like Islam, i don't like what some of them DO like cut off your head if you appose them. but if my dream and vision comes true, i will be killed by an illegal alien not Islam.

but the thugs i saw taking over Saskatoon.

are already here. they are Muslims!

i am also living closer to a mosque then i do a church. and that scares me most.

 i also feel i will miss the rapture. because i have this urge to SIN!  it is like he wants me to sin. and miss the boat.

 i know who TS stands for. in Saskatoon it is the Jihadists that have taken over this city. so i need to move to the nearest city to Saskatoon or i will be taken with this city.

that just happens to be Martensville.

the prophcy reveiled.

the second message is no longer time sensitive and is now open to see. the code word is "martensville"

HERE IS THE 2 CODED MESSAGES.

lXq5mYAGs/3J3H/KND3VUGeZZwlhgPGEGOJMB4R2C4udX3Uyg2y1vIr3iV/wYR50cUXvD6Cmd0pmVmtM
YwJ4uTfICoAz9cjF1QT+sMgMu/Rm+6d2Z8SRKLiU2vtbZqxULAp+TnovDHW5wnVFHkaKT/X7Gw7FSOqr
hVCinwm9p+jrLlfmOsNHAkDEnTHqwMov3tnxP3iW22DXPB3V2Ge1ncZ31Ta0cfVMoflBv0hjDiRMBLiB
iBlHndLy0GqSQlYz7WWeSkCZj0Nn++A/sW9DmLy2fJa4YlftBzEpx3wPt8xC+Nxfg6ljF8t3z8EhrAey
fSJoJITFYROd2iEugXx9OyIYM5lCXxpmh+Ky/thUJvoSPVjXVNYc/cBDmDinmQMas94aTmTLUMYUdvJh
uHJZzPWlXq8E8vI0kryG69hLgXZK1S8yLkBND9BduSxqEAXt5m+dlATNr82GSn/GtHz21jc3rm64jfSQ
heU/ooPUl2DupUt0Yh0VbUKpcMEHOzYfZwvYvWyWkUY8hGvc//invP1wpMuhBuorh6Dl1BtEayLOQmPW
DDWSWMlstklmJQQYaoSBcEHjNSo5cmWMWqf4yNo+9rwN+FxY2UgBpWEPgh6mOVxaxptBaogD2CjySN22
2kW1OvdFYyEd1/JjcpAXF7umQ61j8WY6i7/YRtjRFkKmqi/XqF+0L3suQ0UhG0BkUUzmGUoko17jjChU
I7wAJBoO/wzTPGBoqtytG5OU9VDdQ3Im9c682O+TJz/y36s0AFwVE3AuN7yFpoXosbhv7ZnSWfvZsnPO
ExTEoq4Xyoq3Mf8BUHC3Bvfi2Rb0uiUyYE4OQAe5uQdbHa96tWuuud1arKE2GEzayZ2EuqDtvIzzwltd
Jg1mkpYm6bLKiRTBc9Qu2n7+jYQvFpVItEX3m8ujMR1H/382EQStg0O9oHNM0i86dYwUXrpfKNYC5plL
pSWQQ0pK3NL9o1Nqy6HmL+THr5Zt0p0bB0mpnUuIrqzeSk+Qp2QkHELsDVCFb0cH7tk3gWHmQp6bZ3/3
6b3af98iM1r5C9n6B+XJAtRPvxIEfi2bV2lpKl89IglPr0Ooq09c5lMAMbiJJG8LAP6VJZu4Gj7f0t3/
OEsGV77N1zOA95CQZbN6AFHuibK3UxmS

AND THIS

jU8oEbfAQ8p3qqqo2BVtVvfW4rsPPlmS4sPI2ekW8r63RzG7ZoD5OoaocTwuZCBXkYyCCJ4px9EyKMDE H2I+JPM3DmZaFMjpvZF3wF7jtN8HPjrzx7kBMp9Czi+hxhjBv/1HdCXly5Z+12iWBSn+cGmCi5sZCuxL sss0/9bT0gNfNUB/DqTkZjooaXbdbcUKiDyTLjtXMWQB4cT9uWZKJtL1ECKr6Z4ciw9f7XGuEQm2vW20 gnNEOyLR4IprKqrkU7Tz709f9VhOmikEMyuCLzuuYCQDwCIpyjCmS1nwTsU7ymgpw0yCU2gDxERhYjwx aa8zkmxjF19DK+htF6iHhQ8S4EOV46uwW06AX/pznV+dNLjZnASxNQCMC+oUTSZrUiDiOLfmRquiV9qa EZB/9+4Z4GFaC5kg45oEL2MnXGuli/wTPdaSBUkKHN3yVo2znbViWxG5U2asIdlhF76broQVlQMkjju9 U3NNWX4UDs4zlhSbj/hgETlfa7HWHhw8jUa5FCm7jP3682Kukv4CuoHVuyu+9CJVJXdDfu4BsA0NNtjh MOQKifeMafbgaT9pgCY5fPYUnx3ttI8IxKLiMELaDaAySplb4x5UM0aCO7vgEFFHKVr+9JLcnV/okPv1 8/MIcTjF5mgLEqdCvZqzx7jESsnWUOYyPhhzzkg1LRQBRsHxfrDkkTnc1noAre8h+HYXMoqaGUzWMI5H Z9lo1rb/iYbHIAR39TiB2MIfdN6OCaRoK94YE8IvCCiYCRfJ 

translate to this

I have been given sight of the future. i have been given an ultimatum of what i
should do. If trump becomes president i am to move out of the house that i am
currently in because it is his will for my future. as things will only go down
hill for me there.

i am guessing that he will become president at this time. but i do not doubt it.
 i will be living in Martensville by the time the overpass is built in
Martensville.

Saskatoon will be no more by the time i have moved out of there. since i have
seen it's demise.  i also know that it will also be over run by thugs.


AND THIS

Just then he says that you will have visions,  i know that it cannot be given
until i am living in martensville. i also know that if i leave things untouched.
i refuse to die a copy.  the need to be normal have left me long ago.  but since
i know that others feel that i am having a phycotic episode. i know that it is
not true. i have been wronged by satan long enough. 

TRUMP will become USA's last hope for redemption.  Hillary is working for the
devil. she has been working with the demonic ever since she had been communing
with him. when she was 17. she has been given a promise. she will become
president. but not at the time she wanted to though. but when the life of trump
has been taken. by satan himself.  she will rise to power. no sooner nor later.

all i know at this time is that i will not be here when she comes into power.

it's final.

i am moving. it is not a maybe any more. i mailed my move form and gave my notice.

the first code word is. "vesper" to the first encrypted message. but the second is still time sensitive.

you can find the site at

http://www.bagill.com/text-encrypt.php

if you are curious.

Will She ever forgive me?

i screwed up. i had some one special in my life and i let it slip through my fingers yet again. because i had someone else that i could not let go of in my life haunt me. and this baggage was not healthy. even though it was because i had an unhealthy attitude towards Her i could not let go. and i know why. it had something to do with my brain. when ever i thought of CJ my brain would go into a logic loop. that i found out was a part of an epileptic condition that i would actually lose consciousnesses for a noticeable period of time. and i figured it out when Crystal would "wake" me from such a time frame where i thought only 3 seconds passed. and it was actually 2 minutes.

in computers when a logic loop happens if there is nothing there to break the loop the computer will literary freeze. until the thing that is programed to break the loop breaks it. in my case it is a drug that i now put under my tongue at bed times. not only am i now able to stop thinking about CJ i can also break and notice that old logic loop i was in when ever it happens.

so where did i screw up?

i thought that Amanda would be in my future. because i saw her in a dream i had. but she stopped talking to me. all because i felt that the relationship was stagnate.

in truth, i broke a promise to her.

and for that i am sorry.

but i cannot wait forever. and i was waiting for her, because i had put myself into a logic loop. one i could not break out of until recently.

if i put myself back into a logic loop i will be stepping backwards. I will not be able to get out of it if i put myself back into one. so i refuse to do so. unless she starts talking to me again. then i will make sure that it is not in vain.

i may be moving...

the final step in my process is all i have to make before i am able to make the move. and that is to give my notice.

where am i moving to? back to my home town of martensville. i am going to rent a room in my friend's house.

since martensville is now a city it may or may not be hard to find a job there. but i was told i would be given $950 from SAID. a month.

it's not as much as i was hoping, but i think i can make it work.

Amanda, if you still care, contact me.

i saw your visit recently, and it got me thinking. there is a part that still cares and i know that it is not all lost. for better or worst even includes dry spells. even if it is mutual.

Yep. that was odd of me. but who ever asked for normal.

so what is with the 2 coded entries that happened on thanksgiving? it just that i know that what is discussed in those entries are in fact time sensitive visions i had the night before. i will give the code word i used to encrypt them when the time is right. and i know that if i reveal them before 2017 i will regret it.

so just to be sure that i have in fact stumbled upon time sensitive info it will not be edited and will be revieled at the proper time. i will give both the code word and the site i used to encrypt them at the proper time in the comments of the given messages.

here come's the SON, DOOBY DOOBY

lXq5mYAGs/3J3H/KND3VUGeZZwlhgPGEGOJMB4R2C4udX3Uyg2y1vIr3iV/wYR50cUXvD6Cmd0pmVmtM
YwJ4uTfICoAz9cjF1QT+sMgMu/Rm+6d2Z8SRKLiU2vtbZqxULAp+TnovDHW5wnVFHkaKT/X7Gw7FSOqr
hVCinwm9p+jrLlfmOsNHAkDEnTHqwMov3tnxP3iW22DXPB3V2Ge1ncZ31Ta0cfVMoflBv0hjDiRMBLiB
iBlHndLy0GqSQlYz7WWeSkCZj0Nn++A/sW9DmLy2fJa4YlftBzEpx3wPt8xC+Nxfg6ljF8t3z8EhrAey
fSJoJITFYROd2iEugXx9OyIYM5lCXxpmh+Ky/thUJvoSPVjXVNYc/cBDmDinmQMas94aTmTLUMYUdvJh
uHJZzPWlXq8E8vI0kryG69hLgXZK1S8yLkBND9BduSxqEAXt5m+dlATNr82GSn/GtHz21jc3rm64jfSQ
heU/ooPUl2DupUt0Yh0VbUKpcMEHOzYfZwvYvWyWkUY8hGvc//invP1wpMuhBuorh6Dl1BtEayLOQmPW
DDWSWMlstklmJQQYaoSBcEHjNSo5cmWMWqf4yNo+9rwN+FxY2UgBpWEPgh6mOVxaxptBaogD2CjySN22
2kW1OvdFYyEd1/JjcpAXF7umQ61j8WY6i7/YRtjRFkKmqi/XqF+0L3suQ0UhG0BkUUzmGUoko17jjChU
I7wAJBoO/wzTPGBoqtytG5OU9VDdQ3Im9c682O+TJz/y36s0AFwVE3AuN7yFpoXosbhv7ZnSWfvZsnPO
ExTEoq4Xyoq3Mf8BUHC3Bvfi2Rb0uiUyYE4OQAe5uQdbHa96tWuuud1arKE2GEzayZ2EuqDtvIzzwltd
Jg1mkpYm6bLKiRTBc9Qu2n7+jYQvFpVItEX3m8ujMR1H/382EQStg0O9oHNM0i86dYwUXrpfKNYC5plL
pSWQQ0pK3NL9o1Nqy6HmL+THr5Zt0p0bB0mpnUuIrqzeSk+Qp2QkHELsDVCFb0cH7tk3gWHmQp6bZ3/3
6b3af98iM1r5C9n6B+XJAtRPvxIEfi2bV2lpKl89IglPr0Ooq09c5lMAMbiJJG8LAP6VJZu4Gj7f0t3/
OEsGV77N1zOA95CQZbN6AFHuibK3UxmS

About the future.

jU8oEbfAQ8p3qqqo2BVtVvfW4rsPPlmS4sPI2ekW8r63RzG7ZoD5OoaocTwuZCBXkYyCCJ4px9EyKMDE H2I+JPM3DmZaFMjpvZF3wF7jtN8HPjrzx7kBMp9Czi+hxhjBv/1HdCXly5Z+12iWBSn+cGmCi5sZCuxL sss0/9bT0gNfNUB/DqTkZjooaXbdbcUKiDyTLjtXMWQB4cT9uWZKJtL1ECKr6Z4ciw9f7XGuEQm2vW20 gnNEOyLR4IprKqrkU7Tz709f9VhOmikEMyuCLzuuYCQDwCIpyjCmS1nwTsU7ymgpw0yCU2gDxERhYjwx aa8zkmxjF19DK+htF6iHhQ8S4EOV46uwW06AX/pznV+dNLjZnASxNQCMC+oUTSZrUiDiOLfmRquiV9qa EZB/9+4Z4GFaC5kg45oEL2MnXGuli/wTPdaSBUkKHN3yVo2znbViWxG5U2asIdlhF76broQVlQMkjju9 U3NNWX4UDs4zlhSbj/hgETlfa7HWHhw8jUa5FCm7jP3682Kukv4CuoHVuyu+9CJVJXdDfu4BsA0NNtjh MOQKifeMafbgaT9pgCY5fPYUnx3ttI8IxKLiMELaDaAySplb4x5UM0aCO7vgEFFHKVr+9JLcnV/okPv1 8/MIcTjF5mgLEqdCvZqzx7jESsnWUOYyPhhzzkg1LRQBRsHxfrDkkTnc1noAre8h+HYXMoqaGUzWMI5H Z9lo1rb/iYbHIAR39TiB2MIfdN6OCaRoK94YE8IvCCiYCRfJ

Amanda... I still care! but i know it's not forever anymore.

i think she has moved on from me, since i no longer see her visiting my blog. but then again i do not see anyone visiting my blog.  maybe my statcounter code is no longer working. i know that blogger is now using HTTPS instead of HTTP. and my statcounter code i do not think uses HTTPS. but anyway. i am now, for the first time in 14 years, unsure about my future. i thought that by this time Amanda and I would of been expecting Gwen by now. but God now has other plans for our future.

Mainly mine.  i have been selfish lately and now i am reaping the rewards of that selfishness. but i know it has something to do with the idea that she has to compete with someone who does not even give me the time of day.  and of course i am talking about CJ. that was my problem. i would not shut up about CJ and i think that is what hurt our relationship more than anything.

even if Amanda never again sends me a message, try's to contact me or in no way shows me an interest in my life i know now why that is.

i just had an idea. maybe Amanda was the relationship that was prophesied when i was 17. if that was true then who was CJ in my life?

for Amanda to just lose interest in me is a hard pill to swallow. especially since i have been in her life for more than 10 years.  maybe she found someone better than me.  it's not hard.  there are a lot of better guys out there. but that is something i have never been was competitive.

that is why i am now going to test the waters. if there is an Actual girl out there  that likes me and will stick by my side "forever" then i know i have found the right one.  because now i am openly going to see if i can find that Blond from my dream that i had a few days ago. but the only catch is, she has to come to me. i am sick of looking and having them doing nothing in return.

Dreams and Realities.

if your given a dream about the future. and you keep it to your self, you will have to realize it will come to pass regardless. i have had a dream about a blond i had never seen before. she was beautiful, she was also scary, something in my mind told me to avoid her. in this dream she started chasing me, even though i never saw her before, she reminded me of a girl i once knew who's name was Alia. but this was not Alia.

just then yesterday and today i saw this drop dead beautiful blond bombshell on the bus. going to work. but it was not the girl in the dream. even so,  this girl on the bus. i think i crept her out. so unless she makes the first move, i am going to leave her well enough alone.

on a side note, i started working again this week. and i found it easy to cope with the challenges that they gave me so far. i have been given good reviews to my Job coach from the employer so far. but on that last day this week i found that all that confidence went to my head as i put a decal on a slate wrong. but even though i made the mistake as long as i am enjoying the job, i will do it well.

Speaking of dreams.

i had one a few days ago. it was about Amanda. in the dream she had landed in Saskatchewan and i was in Moose Jaw when she called collect to say that she was in Saskatchewan. and my family did not like the fact she called collect. i said that i would be there shortly to pick her up from the airport. when i got disconnected from her. only to realize i was in Martensville. and i did not know what airport in Saskatchewan she was in. so we traveled to the nearest airport. which was in Saskatoon only to realize that she might of been in Moose Jaw or Regina. knowing that it would take more than 4 hours to reach the right airport i then woke up.

broken heart?

i think i already broke her heart. i did not want to because she has waited and waited for me and then she put 2 and 2 together. but i know what it is like to have your heart broken then trampled on and spit on then insulted then left out to dry. i never wanted to do that to another human being but i think i already did that to Amanda.

she just did not want to tell me that i already did that to her.

had i known that "i will never break your heart" is code for i want to break up with you but i don't want it to get ugly. i would never of made that promise. i miss the late night talks we used to have when all i could think of was getting back to Saskatoon and trying to patch things up with CJ when deep down inside i knew that we never had a chance. because of the prophecy i was given when i was 17.  i wanted that prophecy to run it's coarse and i also wanted the promise at the end of that promise to come true.  the next girl i was to fall madly in love with would fall madly in love with me.   Amanda's response to that promise should of clued me in that she was ending the relationship. by just stop talking to me.

our relationship started when she lost her mother.  i wanted to be there when she lost her father.  she did not come to me when it happened so i know now she is the one who is ending the relationship.  "she will never break my heart."

i had 5 conditions that CJ had to meet before i knew it was true. and that it was time to fall in love with someone new. and when CJ met the 5 conditions i feel that is when i lost Amanda.

i think the damage is done.

irreverseable? i hope not. but i think we again are on rocky ground.we have not been talking lately. it seems i have to wait atleast 2 - 3 weeks before i get a responce from her.

 i have seen this before. just before the woman dumps me.

i refuse to accept the fact that it may be over between us but i also have to count the chickens that have already hatched and have grown into full fledged hens.

Amanda does not talk to me anymore.

might it have something to do with the post about CJ i recently posted?

or is she super busy in her life and does not have time to contact me?

come September i will not have the time i once did and do. as my work experience program starts.

if the case is true that she is too busy to talk then i know i am not worth the time that i spent waiting and things have gotten sour enough to spit them out

The dream.

I had a disturbing dream yesterday afternoon. one that i could not shake. yes i said dream. not a vision or a revelation but a dream.

because i am in a time of my  life where anything goes and i am flying blind for the first time in 20 years i cannot see if i should pursue this "dream" but i know that if Amanda hates me after i Reveal this dream, that i then know what i must do.

because my sleeping patterens have been all wonky lately i have had a few disturbing dreams but the one i had last is what is keeping me awake.

you see i apparently i am consciously over CJ but there is a part of me that is not. i am guessing that is why i never am fully over her.  i have been fighting this feeling ever since i found out that she was married.  but yesterday afternoon it manifested into a dream. of her phoning me.

the dream had the usual public sightings of her that turned into her later that day phoning me.  in the dream as soon as i knew who i was talking to i hung up. but that is not where the dream ended. but it is the part i remembered most.  because it is what i always craved most.

and that is...

to have never of known her in the first place.  so i could shake her from my mind for once and for all.

Stoked to the 1st degree

Super Stoked right now.  

last weekend i told my mom that i was going to save up for a new laptop to replace the lemon that i bought back in January never again am i going to pay for a cheap and flimsy laptop from "The Source" and i am also going to steer away from Acer laptops. so last Sunday before i went home after our weekly game night at David's, Robert and I payed my mom a visit where i told her this.

she agreed to pay for a new laptop and i would pay her back for the next 2 years. the only catch is i was not to buy a cheep laptop that would "die" in a few months like the last one did and  it should also get a warranty with it.

so on Monday morning i placed an order for this laptop on OTV's website. it was a little bit of a  disappointment on my behalf, because they did not update their website when i made the request. so thinking that they still had one in stock i made the online reservation only to phone them to find out that they had already sold it.

so "what am i so stoked about?" you might ask. i am getting to that.

so my mother and i went to OTV and made a down payment of $1000 ($900 of witch i still owe her for, as i already paid her $100 of which i already had saved up.) on a new laptop to be ordered in.

and just a few hours ago i got the phone call that it was in. that is what i am stoked about. so either tomorrow or Friday i am going to get it. since my mom is going to make the final payment and i am going to get it from her. on either day since she is the one who is paying for it i have to wait on her..

Internet radio

so i opened my internet radio a few days ago but i have not much playing on it. mainly because i have not had it up and running all that much.

on it i have been playing modfiles, and that's it. just modfiles.

it may sound boring but there are some really good mod files out there. some that even surpass mp3's IMO.

if you want to listen all you have to do is point to http://radio.slother3x.info where i have setup a player so you can listen to it

otherwise open up shoutcast and look for "slother3x"

Slother3x's Station

i started my first internet radio station. you can listen to it on shoutcast. just do a search for Slother3x and you will find it.

or you can visit my website for a direct link to the player that i spent all night getting to work.

all i am playing right now is music i got from http://modarchive.org/

i am also thinking of adding my SNES music archive i got from http://snesmusic.org/v2/
 aswell

an update

Still looking forward to the day i can give Amanda A big hug and never let her go it has been awhile since i heard from her. but i know we will talk once something new happens in our lives. Carl and i have patched up our rocky relationship but apparently i have to rebuild trust with him. it is just that vise versa is also true. anyway you look at it it will live another day.

Time to bury the hatchet?

today i will find out if my friend is in fact a forgiving friend or just another person who does not care if i live or die. as i invited him to my birthday party that i am going to have at Davids place tonight. i will keep you informed if things go well or if things head south.

kill the silence? only time will tell.

now playing the victim card to a whole new level will just put me on edge. he knows that cutting off communication only works if you are mad at someone but to make a point of deleting some one after becoming mad after a fight shows how little you meant to the person in the first place. the So called friend has had a history of only seeing his side of the story and also only playing by his own rules and getting everyone on his side. if you decide to impose your own rules he will end up deleting you from his ever so lowering list of friends. and he will take your mutual list of friends with him. or so he thinks.

you see, i figured this would happen. i made a choice, either get my point across or become the actual victim to his manipulation. i chose the former. in the end he played the victim card. and once i turn 37 there will be no return to innocence.

just in case your unaware i turn 37 tomorrow. and the ex friend is Carl.

an update about my own personal "civil war"

So My ex-friend Did apologize for keeping me up all night, but only after alot of back and forth dialog of him twisting everything i typed to him. i know he wanted me to talk in voice because i did not have a way of recording it. if i did. but that is not where it ended. i figured i would talk to him only if he would first apoligize. once he did i tried to reach out by voice. that is when the yelling started. i am not going to put up with his yelling i later told him that so he repetedly called me by skype untill i would pick up. i told him that he had to calm down first. he even called me by phone.

that is where the manipulation started. i know it was manipulation because i recognized it as such.my mom used the exact same tactics when i was growing up. that is how i reconized it.

you see once he calmed down and let me talk without interruptions i told him the exact reason why i was mad at him. until he started twisting my words into something "simpler that he could understand" but in doing so he lost all the reasons i was mad at him in the first place. and he saw it as reasons i was "restricting" him and his abilities. when what i said was if he does something i wanted him to think it through first and follow through with it or tell me if he changes his mind before it's too late.


honestly, i don't think our relationship will survive until my birthday if it is not gone already. because the man  needs to learn how to listen and comprehend properly if he ever wants to be in my life once i turn 37. i guess that will be the point of no return if i have to make one.

i for one will not put up with manipulation and i will not dish it out anymore. i am done. if i get mad i get mad that is my right and i will express why i am mad if someone wants to make me happy they cannot. because i am the only one who has control over me.

he can get mad all he wants but i will not talk to him when he is. nuff said.

don't make promises that you have no intetions of keeping.

implied or not, if you say something about the future about something you will do it is a "promise" regardless of the fact you said the word promise or not. i am done with a so called friend who likes to make promises just to get your hopes up only to later claim that he never made the promise in the first place. this is not the first time he has done this but as far as i am concerned it will be his last. because i know that if i make a promise i will try my best to keep it. Amanda knows this better than anyone. AND IF I CANNOT DELIVER MY PROMISE I WILL STATE THAT, NOT DENY THAT I MADE THE PROMISE IN THE FIRST PLACE. denying the promise is like lying about the promise you made in the first place. the definition of promise i am using is "Agreement about a future event"

i will mention the friend's name if he does not decide to hear me out, because right now i am on fight and flight mode.

two weeks later

and i find out that i am  too advanced for the training center At SAC. so i will not be going back. as of yesterday i completed my evaluation at SAC. and, i have to wait for the people at Partners in employment to get back to me about the results. but yesterday i had my outgoing interview where i learned all this info.

It's Not Her.

Thank God.  i confirmed that it is not CJ that i am seeing at SAC. just as i thought it was another case of mistaken identity. i tend to do that alot. but at least i can start with a fresh slate with this person. i just don't know how to spell her name. lol

who is she?

She knew my name, she talks to me and she looks like CJ. and she works at SAC in the afternoon. but i doubt it is her.

at first i thought i was hallucinating again. seeing someone who reminds me of CJ there and since i recognize that that is the place i first met her i would not doubt that i would find someone that looks like her there. but the similarities will end there. because 2 factors will be put into play when things start getting more involved than that. for one i am taken and if it is her, she is married.

as for her knowing my name, almost everyone there knew my name. and for her talking to me this time, the only difference is i now talk to any one there regardless if i like them or not. except if the person does not talk to me first.

i also met someone new in the evaluation process as me. she is the first stranger there that talks to me there when i started there on Tuesday.  it could also be that i was the only one who was in that room when i was there and i was the only one who was familiar there. totally understandable.

So on monday or tuesday i am going to ask this CJ clone her name. to put to rest the paranoia i have and start with a clean slate and put to end this whole sherade that i currently have against her. the clone not CJ.

Looks like Amanda was just waiting for me to say somthing to her

like the title says. we talked today. and just before i was to start Day one Of SAC. i hope all is good. because all it took was me to say something. to open the floodgates. even though it was brief we still are in communication.

less than a week before the new week starts.

Amanda say something. i need to know that it is not in vain. but like Ecclesiastes starts "vanity of vanities" i knew my so called relationship with CJ would end with her getting married to someone else, but it did not stop me from trying to reach out to her. until the end did come and i knew it was just as predicted after she met the five conditions of that relationship coming to a close. when i was 17 i had a vision when my illness kicked in. but i did love her. but the relationship had no hope.  unlike what i had for Nevada,  a hope that the vision was wrong.

in the vision i was to find my soul mate, when i turn 37. no sooner. (or was it when i turn 40? i cannot think of the current details) because of the way i prayed for that vision. i would repeat the same steps until the appropriate amount of time has passed. i am willing to wait till i am 47 for her to find me. but in that vision i will be taken away from the "world" on my third journey. 2 of which i have succeeded in compleating. one more to go. the last one.

Amanda Don't Be Another CJ. because if i see the same things starting again i know how to "back out" and i will. if i see another 10 years of my life going to waste. just fair warning. this is my plead to you. don't give me a reason to back out now.

the ball is now in your court. hit it back.

Curses?

maybe i should of pressured her. it has been a while since i heard from her. and i am not sure if she is still coming here. i do want to see her face to face. all i know is that we are drifting farther and farther apart.  it seems that it is i who initiates the conversations. if we rarely do have them. i would like to have more of them but i know not what to talk about if anything. i thought with CJ out of the picture we would be closer together. but with her out of the picture a curse has been placed on mine and Amanda's relationship. one that i know not how to lift.

same socks be damed

my paranoia is at a all time high in these days. i feel that i am being robbed from yet i have little to no proof other seeing none of my room mates wearing clothes that have gone missing  from my room. i tried to point this out to my caregiver. but then i just got told that it is unlikely that it is happening.

so now i lock my room almost every time i leave it. but i know it is not enough.

it was because yesterday i saw my room mate wearing some of the exact socks that i was wearing at the time. i asked him where he got them and he could not tell me. he told me he found them in his laundry

but other than that i have nothing new to report.

Amanda you still there?

still looking forward to the day i can see Amanda face to face. but i am not going to pressure her in to coming to see me. it might be a while yet till i see her. but i know she is worth waiting for. all i know is it is unrealistic in going to see her. that is the sad part. since my illness will prevent me from saving the money required to go there and getting a hotel and then going too and fro there.

but last i heard she was saving to see me. but i have not really heard much else from her since. hopefully she still is eager to see me. unless she has found someone new and has failed to tell me. but i doubt that.

news? not much.

so, i now know that i will be returning to SAC and i will be having another evaluation once i get there.  as it has been over 10 years since i last had one.  but i know that if all goes well, i should have a reason to get out of the house. with CJ fully out of the picture, (now that she is married,) i now have nothing to worry about.

as for amanda i am not sure when i will be seeing her face to face. as we only corsponded a few times in the last 4 months,  but i am hopeing that i get to see her soon.

 as for CFK i know i will not have another chance.  since CFK went belly up.


other than that i have nothing new to report.